


Starman

by LoversSpit400



Category: Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Family Issues, Runaway Jay Halstead, halstead brothers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:33:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27500830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoversSpit400/pseuds/LoversSpit400
Summary: AU where Jay never went to war, instead, he had a fight with his dad that made him become a runaway while his brother was at MED school. Now, years later, they finally meet again as Will tries to make up for the lost time and mistakes.I try to update it weekly but I don't promise anything
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Will Halstead
Comments: 47
Kudos: 170





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,  
> I'm back on my Chicago obssession. This is just a prologue to see if you guys like the concept, I really like play around with the possibilities of the show and all this stuff.  
> Hope you guys enjoy so I will keep updating.  
> Stay safe and wear a mask!

Jay was seventeen, about to turn eighteen when he left home for the last time. All he had with him was a backpack filled with a few clothes he did not have time to choose, the hoodie he was wearing, and his anger. To make a point, Jay opened the gate with way more strength than needed, causing a loud bang. When he turned the corner, he could still hear his dad cursing his name. 

He walked with heavy steps through the streets of Canaryville without a destination. The sun was setting down on the horizon. It was January, the already low temperature was about to drop even more. After a few minutes of walking, he could already feel shivers running down his body. 

He thought about going to a friend’s house, only to realize that he did not have any. So he kept walking until he reached a park and sat on one of its benches. 

Taking a deep breath, he thought about the fight he just had with his dad, the man’s voice ringing in the back of his head, telling him to go and never come back. How, unlike the other times, it sounded final.

So he stood there until he thought he was going to die of hypothermia, cursing himself for not packing any more winter clothes. But then again, if he began the day knowing that he would’ve been kicked out of his own house he would’ve done a lot of things different. 

Maybe he should try to contact his brother, even though the last time they spoke was at their mother’s funeral, and all they did was to exchange a few couples of words to each other. And above all, he was moneyless, without any car, and all his belongings fit in his high school bag, so he doubted his brother in Med school would’ve wanted to take him in. 

So that was how he started to live in the streets. He found a place to stay that night, thankfully, once the winter came into town, people handled blankets and shelters for others. He would lie about his age so he could get someplace to stay for the night, and people wouldn’t call his father or the police. 

On the second night in the shelter, a skinny boy with blue eyes, pale skin, and dark hair kept staring at him while they were eating soup. At first, Jay decided to pretend he didn’t care, but as it didn’t stop, he became pretty annoyed at that. 

'Is something wrong man?” Jay asked in something above a whisper, trying not to make a scene and getting himself kicked out before the time. 

“Do I know you?” The boy asked, and Jay was surprised to see actual confusion in his eyes. 

“I don’t think so,” Jay said and went back to his food. 

“My name is Greg, by the way,” He said, giving his hand so Jay could shake it. 

“Jay.” 

That night Jay found out Greg was his age and left home ‘cause he couldn’t stand his drunk mom anymore. Now he was homeless and just trying to make it through the day. Greg didn’t have plans or dreams, and it was the first time Jay realized all his dreams had been taken away from him too. 

They left together after three nights, and Greg told him about a friend he had, some guy named Lok that had a couch they could use. 

“So why didn't you go there already?” Jay asked as they walked together through the snow-white streets of Chicago. 

“You know… He’s not my friend and you look like the kind of guy that could throw some punches if things get bad… So…” 

“So you want me to be your security guard?” 

“Exactly,” Greg said with some kind of enthusiasm like they were old friends sharing a joke. 

Jay couldn’t help but smile at that. 

Greg led him to an apartment complex on the hard side of town. As they walked by, hookers, men with guns, people smoking weed and snorting coke watched as they made their way in. Stopping on the second floor, a tall white man with a basketball t-shirt met them and talked to Greg. 

Greg was allowed inside while Jay was told to stay. Everything about this situation made Jay uneasy, it screamed wrong but he was at a point in his life that he could not just go back. It was survival of the fittest and he would now allow himself to go down without a fight. 

Jay put his hands on his pockets, trying to get some warmth on his body when the door opened again and he was allowed in. 

The apartment was small and he found Greg and the other man sitting at the dinner table. 

“What’s your name, kid?” The tall man asked. 

“Jay.” 

“Nice meeting you Jay. I’m Lok. And my friend, Mouse here, was telling me that you guys needed someplace to stay.” 

Jay nodded. 

“So, I have an empty bedroom not far from here. But you have to know that everything comes with a price.” 

As soon as the man spoke those words, a shiver ran down Jay’s body.

“And that is?” 

“I need some new faces to expand my work and a good looking fella like you would be perfect for that.” 

“I won’t need just a bed,” Jay asked with a few courage he had left. 

“Of course not. What about 30% of every sale?”

“50.” 

The man laughed at him. 

“35% and it’s over.” 

Jay nodded. 

They talked for a while before Lok showed him the bedroom with two twin beds in it, the deal was that Jay and Mouse needed to pay him rent, so everything they sold in the first week of each month belonged to Lok and after that, they could get their shares. It was better than what they had. 

The money wasn’t much, but it was enough to buy beer, pizza, and get themselves into parties. Lok would give them some free samples sometimes, so he and Mouse would get high in their bedroom. The dealer made sure to introduce them to whatever he had, things Jay never even heard about but was glad to be a guinea pig for. 

Soon the samples were not enough and they needed more to reach some kind of relief from his dad’s voice in his head. That was how he understood why people got addicted to it, all he wanted was to feel that rush and peace again and he would do anything for this kind of release. He knew he had a problem, but right now he couldn’t do anything about it, maybe someday whenever he felt down he wouldn’t put cocaine to his veins, but he didn’t see this shortly. 

In the mornings he would work at a car wash doing the basics, at night he would reach the rich side of town, blending in with college kids, middle-class young girls, and douchbag guys. It took him three years to get busted for the first time, he always suspected that people wouldn’t mind a white young man in some middle-class neighborhood, but then he became reckless. 

He stopped looking over his shoulder and doing some minor background checking for any new buyers, he regretted it so much when an older man with a husky voice asked for him to put his hands in the air. 

He ran for his life until a police car stopped him and he fell on the ground as the man put his knees on his back and arrested him. 

The back of a police’s car wasn’t like he expected it to be and the people taking him didn’t look like the kind of people that cared about his Constitutional rights. Still, once he was interrogated he didn’t tell them anything. 

Not until they told him that the drugs he was selling were killing people. They showed him pictures of the victims. One of them was a hooker Jay sometimes sell it to, Jasmine, she was nice enough to him and unlike others, she wouldn’t try to pay him with sex. Knowing that what he sold could have been the reason she was no longer living made him want to puke. He was just a shadow of who he once was, but he wasn’t the bad guy. He was just someone who didn’t have a chance in life. 

He told them everything he knew.

A few hours later, he found out that the man who arrested him was called Voight and had planned on making him a CI, a snitch of some kind. 

In a week, his boss was arrested, leaving him unemployed and with a record in the 21st district. After the police showdown, Mouse had vanished, leaving him alone again. Now at least he knew other people that gladly let him sleep on their couches or their kitchen's floor. Without any other options, he decided to get clean and try and find himself some kind of job. 

The job part was easy. It wasn’t a lot, he washed dishes for a simple diner being paid less than the minimum, still, he didn’t need to worry about killing anyone and that was already an improvement. Sometimes when he was washing dishes, he would think about how his brother was doing, if he already graduated, if he had found himself someone and settled down. If he wondered about Jay. 

Getting himself clean was a thing he couldn’t do, especially when these kinds of thoughts rushed through his head, making him miss his old life, his old self. He would remember how for a while he had friends, how he laughed, and made jokes with girls. How he would fight with his brother, knowing that everything would be alright in a few minutes and how a day it wasn’t and they stopped talking. So he needed something to escape, to forget for a while. 

Soon, just washing dishes wasn’t enough and he went back to dealing with other people. Now he had rules and some kind of moral code just to help him sleep better at night. Whenever Voight needed he would call him and they met each other someplace hidden. 

Voight, even though looked tough, was one of the best people Jay knew and sadly Jay wanted to call what they had a friendship, just so he could have one. The sarge had found out that Jay was missing for years now and tried to make him go back or at least reach someone, just so his father could know he was alive.

At that, he laughed and told the man the whole story. How he took care of his dying mom when she was in the final stages of cancer and his brother was away to college. But his college experience was more about finding out how much alcohol his body could take than learning. And then he told him however since his mom died, his father blamed Jay for her passing, until it became too much and a fight let him to the streets. 

“So you have troubles with your brother?” Voight asked as he was putting a piece of pancake in his mouth. 

“We haven’t spoken in years. Even before I left home.” Jay said, not knowing where the conversation was going. 

“A few weeks ago, one of my guys had to be brought in at Chicago Med. Imagine my surprise when Dr. Halstead came in.” 

At that Jay had lost all the appetite and a heavy, twisted feeling filled his chest. His brother was back in town, his brother was a doctor at Chicago’s biggest hospital. His brother made a future for himself while he found out that there is always a new bottom.

“Did you-Did you talk to him?” He tried to hide it, but the shaking in his voice gave out how nervous he was about it all. 

“No. But if you ever want to meet him, I think he would be glad to see his brother.” 

The Sarge would never get this personal, but the honesty in his voice made Jay think about asking for forgiveness and a second chance to his brother, maybe they could work whatever had been broken and they would be fine again, maybe even be friends. 

Jay thought about going to Chicago Med just to see his brother for the first time. But he wasn’t ready for that, instead, he postponed it every day, but the thoughts of going in there never left his mind.

In a big town like Chicago, it was easy to not meet people on the streets, especially if one of those people was a doctor and you’re a low life drug dealer. But still, on a summer night, Jay found out that a bar in the suburb where working people usually would go to hang out, as well as younger people looking for some fun. It was a small bar named Molly’s. 

The place was actually packed with people and he carefully looked at everyone’s face trying to make sure he could find any potential buyers, a group of girls sitting by the wall, trying to get themselves drunk and talking way louder than the rest of the bar was probably the best he could do tonight. 

So he straightened his clothes, walked through the door, and tried to blend in the room full of people that exhale respect. He couldn’t help but feel less than everyone in there like his life wasn’t worth as much as theirs. 

Even in a room full of people he heard a laugh, the laugh he could recognize anywhere. Looking over his shoulder he saw a tall man with ginger hair and a smile as large as the world, he was setting two beers on a table as he sat down and laughing at something a black lady had just said. Will barely had changed a thing, but now he looked even better for some reason. He seemed happy surrounded by those people. 

He tried to take his eyes off his brother but something kept him staring at Will. Will and his happy face, contagious laugh, good clothes. For years he saw the getaway ticket from the hell he called life now was in front of him and had a life of his own. He wasn’t in a room crying and searching for his lost brother. He had moved on. 

The room felt tighter and the air had just been taken out of his lungs. He tried to breathe but his lungs weren’t listening to him, so the room started to spin and the hell with sneaking, he needed to leave that room as fast as possible. So he started to run towards the door, pushing people out of his way as his knees collapsed and he fell on the ground in front of the bar. 

He was having a panic attack in the street on the gutter in front of the place his brother was having fun with friends. Air wasn’t coming to his lungs but Will’s laugh didn’t leave his head for a second, not even when a man he couldn’t recall the face asked him if he was fine. 

He couldn’t respond to that, so instead, he kept trying to bring air that wasn’t coming. The man sat in front of him and coached him into breathing.  _ In and out like me. You can do it. Come one. One more time.  _ He remembered the man’s voice pulling him out of his misery and bringing him back to the real world. The guy stood with him on the gutter until he came back to normal, called an Uber, and sent him on his way. 

After that incident, his life only got even worse. The drugs he was using weren’t enough to keep him high, so had to take higher doses. His life now consisted of load doses and doses of coke and everything else he could find and push inside his body. 

He lost his job at the diner and didn’t have any money to keep paying the rent, so he knew soon he would be on the streets again. On a good day, he would get $200,00 to home and a blowjob, but lately, he was more of a user than a dealer, so things weren’t looking good for him. He couldn’t point out what was making him wake up in the morning, but he did every day and regret it until he was asleep again. 

He decided to go out to have some fun a few months after he almost met his brother. It all became a blur when a guy he met once offered him some new kind of coke, saying it was better than what they were selling in the streets. Indeed, it was stronger, so much stronger than all he could remember is flashes of him throwing up, some people laughing, pain on his chest, and everything going black. 


	2. So we meet again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the response the first chapter had! It truly blew my mind!   
> Hope you guys like this one as well.

Will had just wrapped another tiresome day at Chicago Med. He had a long shift that became longer once a three-cars car crash happened, and paramedics brought the victims to Med. Now, as he crossed the doors and made his way to the parking lot, all he wanted to do was to lay on his bed and sleep for the next day. 

A loud sound of the breaking tire pulled him out of his thoughts and made him turn to see what was happening. A black car had stopped for less than a second on the front of the hospital, and a person was thrown out of it and into the streets. Before the person even hit the ground, the car was already speeding up and making his way out of the entrance. Will did his best to see a license plaque but it was useless. Instead, he decided to run towards the person who was curled on the floor. 

“I need help here!” He yelled as he kneed down next to the person. It was facing the floor, so Will needed to turn him. When he touched the person’s shoulder, he could feel its bones, and carefully he turned the person so it could be facing him. 

Nothing in a million years would prepare him for what he saw. 

The person lying on the street in front of his hospital was no other than his brother, the brother he had been looking for in the last two years. He was older than Will remembered, but he didn’t look any healthier. His face was so skinny and sunken, black circles surrounded his eyes, and he looked so fragile. 

Will could not move. He couldn’t do anything other than stare. He watched as his brother trashed around, trembling on the floor as if he never had a single med class in his life. He was frozen in place with his brain yelling for him to do something, but his muscles were not listening to a word it was saying. 

“Dr. Halstead! HALSTEAD! WILL!” He listened as someone called him far away. It was like he was underwater. It wasn’t until a hand touched him that he came out of his state of shock and finally realized that Connor was right next to him, pulling Jay to his side as his brother threw up. “What the hell happened?” 

Will still couldn’t speak, but at least now he could face Connor and shake his head. 

“Do you know him?” Connor asked as a few nurses came by with a stretcher. 

Will nodded. 

“It looks like he is ODing. Do you know in what?” 

Will shook his head again and saw as Connor sighed. 

Jay was put on the stretcher and taken inside Med with Connor right next to him. In seconds, Will is sitting by himself in the front of the hospital, unable to process what had happened. He ran his hands through his face and swallowed his will to cry. “Put yourself together. Put yourself together,” he repeated himself. 

By some miracle, his legs decided to work and he watched as he was making his way inside the hospital. 

He found Connor on Bagdah and walked inside. Jay looked even worse in the lights, his skin was transparent and the purple marks on his arms let Will know what had happened to his only brother. Cocaine. 

“Who is he, Will?” 

“My brother,” Will said without taking his eyes off him. 

There was a moment of silence in the room, Connor, the nurses and the staff had stopped what they were doing for a moment to look at Will. The ginger just closed his eyes and wondered if it was worth any more explanations, but decided against it. “His name is Jay, he’s 23,” was all the information they needed. 

“Ok, that’s ok,” Connor said, clearly taken aback. “We tried Narcan but it did not work.” 

Will laid his head low. 

“Bradycardia?” Will asked as he saw Connor listening to his brother’s chest. 

Connor nodded. 

The alarm on the heart monitor went off, announcing that Jay’s heart had just given up. Will thought his heart had done the same, so he let himself be pushed out of the way by one of the nurses and watched as Connor tried to resuscitate the only family he had left. Jay couldn’t die not knowing that Will was there, by his side, couldn’t die thinking that his older brother had abandoned him. Will had to make sure that didn’t happen, had to make up for the lost time, ask for forgiveness, and build a better future for Jay. God knows he deserved it. 

Connor looked at him knowing that he couldn’t let this man die, knowing how much he meant to Will. 

After a minute, Jay’s heart decided to beat again, making Will stop the crying fit he did not know he was having. It took the team longer than that to finally stabilize him. 

“Will, you know the drill. We're gonna take him to a few scans now, ok?” Connor approached him. 

Will nodded and tried to follow the stretcher through the hallway when Maggie stopped him. 

“Will. You need to stay here,” She said looking into his eyes. 

“Maggie-”

“Will! You’re going back to the break room, you're gonna take a deep breath, calm down, and then you are going to see your brother. You heard me?” 

Will opened his mouth but no words came out, instead, he felt himself nodding to Maggie and following her inside the doctor’s lounge. 

He threw himself on the couch, not minding the other doctor who was there. He closed his eyes and let the sunken feeling in his chest take over, he felt like he could cry but the tears weren't coming. Maybe he had run out of them. 

Maggie sat down next to him and put a hand on his back. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked. 

Will thought about how many times he kept this story to himself, he wanted to share with the world who Jay Halstead once was, but he felt unable to do it right now. He shook his head and Maggie understood. 

They sat in silence there, Will's mind did not stop for a second. He kept thinking about what Jay must have been through in the last few years, how bad it must have been for him to end up like this, thrown outside of a hospital-like nothing. 

He kept remembering Jay's body convulsing, the odor of vomit, the sound the monitor made when his heart stopped. 

Most of his nights, Will would spend looking over the window, watching the city and hoping for Jay to be alright, that he had found his way in life. He should have imagined his brother as an addict, but it was too rough so he let himself pretend for as long as could. But the reality was here now. 

He came back to reality, realizing that the world had given in a second chance to try and be better. From all the hospitals' Jay could've been, he was there, some mystical force led them back together and he could not throw it away. He would not. His brother was there, alive and now he could do something about it. 

Maggie must have sensed his line of thoughts because her hand pressed on his shoulder. 

He looked at her and she nodded. 

With a deep breath, he ran his hands through his face and tried to put himself together as much as he could when the nurse from the night shift walked into the room and asked for him. 

"Dr. Halstead?" 

He looked at her. 

"Hmm… I believe it's your brother's belongings," she said, holding a transparent plastic bag. 

Will got up, thanked her, and opened it. 

It didn't have much of anything. An old cellphone that had a password and a wallet. Will let himself open it. Just a couple of dollars was in it, no ID and a piece of paper with a phone number in it. Maybe it was a girlfriend or just a friend who cared. Who knows? 

Will picked his cell phone and dialed the number. 

After a few rings, a rusty voice picked up. 

"Voight," Will could not hide his surprise. Hank Voight, the sergeant of Chicago Intelligence knew his brother? 

"Hmm… this is Will. Will Halstead," He managed to say. 

"Will. How can I help you?" 

"Hm… I supposed you know my brother. Jay. Jay Halstead. At least he has your phone on his wallet, and… I don't know why I called." 

"Is he alive?" Hank asked with the same tone of voice. 

"Barely… he… Had an overdose, we don't know on what, but… he arrived in a bad shape," Will managed to say without crying, but he couldn't help the shakiness on his voice. 

"Is he at Med?" 

"Yes." 

"Gonna be there as soon as I can," Voight said and the line went dead. 

Will was trying to connect the points but it didn't make sense to him. His brother knew sergeant Hank Voight, the same guy who was occasionally on the ED, who talked to him sometimes.

"What do you get yourself into, Jay?" Will asked nobody. 

By the time his mind made two thousand possibilities on what was happening, Connor walked into the doctor's lounge with a tired and sad look on his face. 

"So, he is stable for now," Will felt relief coursing through the body, "The tests came back and it was not cocaine, whatever it was it had a lot of fentanyl in it, the fact that he mixed it with alcohol did not help at all." 

"His heart?" 

"Not good. The drugs did a number on him and he probably will need a pacemaker, but I can't be sure until I have more exams." 

Will nodded. A pacemaker wasn't the end of the world, Jay could do it and still have a long life, he just needed to overcome his addiction first. 

"Do you want to see him?" Connor asked and Will looked into his eyes, not knowing the answer to it. 

"I don't think he wants to see me," Will managed to say. 

"Yeah, but right now he needs his brother," Connor said, "He is in room 305." 

Maggie, who stood by his side during the whole time, nodded for him to go. 

Will walked through the halls like a ghost, his heart was pounding in his chest. Every step was heavier and heavier. 

When he finally was in front of room 305, it took everything in him to open the door. He felt like dying, everything was rough and complicated, the air was lacking and he thought he was about to pass out. But there Jay was, laying in a hospital, being monitored by a bunch of machines. 

The brother he missed was there, and he could not go back now. He came closer and let himself run his hands through his brother's hair, to make sure he was real and not a twisted dream. 

"Hey, Jay…" Will said above a whisper, sitting down next to his brother. He wanted to hold his hand and say that everything was going to be fine, but he couldn't. The person in front of him was a stranger that he hoped to meet. 

He just sat there for almost an hour, watching as Jay’s chest went up and down and he looked peaceful. It was until his eye’s lids started to move. 

Will got up in a jump and came closer to the bed. 

“Hey, Jay. It’s alright. You’re safe now, no one will hurt you. I promise you. You’re fine,” Will said next to his brother’s ear, hoping to calm him down a little, but the monitor told him the heart rate was only increasing. 

Jay’s eyes got open in a single movement, they were unfocused and searching around the room. Will could see that his pupils were dilated and he started to trash even harder on the bed, making Will hold him by the wrists. 

“It’s okay, you’re safe now. You’re fine,” Will kept repeating, but it was clear that Jay wasn’t listening to him. 

Jay eventually calmed down and his eyes started to close one more time, Will could see the exhaustion taking over his brother as he fought hard to stay awake. Will decided to run his hand through Jay’s hair like their mother used to do when they were kids and it was the right move since Jay closed his eyes and his heart rate eventually dropped. 

He mumbled something that Will could not understand and went back to sleep. 

The clock told Will it was already past midnight and he hoped that Jay would not wake up in the middle of the night because every fiber of Will's being was feeling the weight of this day. The physical exhaustion from work and the tsunami of emotions that rushed through him after that was too much and he just needed to sleep for a moment, only a single moment. 

Will didn’t realize that had already fallen asleep. 

When he opened his eyes again, the sun was shining on the hospital’s bedroom and his back was hurting badly from the uncomfortable position he had been lying in the whole night. For a second his mind forgot what had happened, but then it all came rushing to him and his eyes looked for Jay. 

To his surprise, Jay was already awake, looking at him like he was an alien. He did not move a muscle when Will looked into those piercing blue eyes, but Will felt like he was being shot. Those eyes were saying so many things, all at once, things Will wanted to apologize for, things he wanted the answer for. Will wished he knew what to say, but nothing came. 

“Hi, Jay,” was all he could come up with and he slapped himself because of it. Will’s eyes filled with tears and he wanted to hug his brother so bad it was hurting him. 

Jay did not move a muscle. He kept staring at Will. 

“Hum… So, you may be wondering what happened,” Will said trying to fill the awkward silence. 

“Am I dead?” Jay’s voice was so foreign to Will. He realized it had been years since he last heard it, so long he had forgotten it. How could he forget his own brother’s voice? His little brother? 

“No, no, no. You’re alive. You were brought in to Chicago Med last night after you OD’d on an unknown substance,” Will decided to explain, “I work here and I knew it was you so I… Came to help.” 

Jay didn’t take his eyes off Will for a moment or changed his facial expression. 

“It’s good to see you, brother,” Will said as tears fell from his face and he decided to just let them go, “I looked for you everywhere. I was so worried.” 

Jay's expression was still neutral. 

“I… I thought you had left town, I’m sorry, I should’ve looked harder. I’m so sorry.”

Jay closed his eyes for a second and slowly opened them again and then reaped it for a while. 

“Is everything okay?” Will asked, worried. 

“You usually vanish after a while,” Jay said with his eyes closed. 

“I…” Will found out that moment that his heart could still break even though it was shattered into a million pieces. “I’m real.” 

Jay dared to smirk a little. “Hi, real. I’m Jay.” 

“Jay, I’m not joking. I’m Will. I’m here.” Will decided to come closer and touch Jay’s hand. The fingers had barely touched the skin when Jay retreaded and became so much more defensive. 

“I’m sorry. I won’t touch you again if you don’t allow it.” 

“Why are you still here?” Jay said and now the neutral facade was coming off and Will could see how much pain he was suffering right now. 

“I’m here. I’ll help you,” Will said, not taking his eyes off Jay’s. 

Something in Jay twisted and he got up as fast as he could from the bed, trying to remove the wires and machines connected to his body, he was thrashing around, clearly dizzy and disoriented.

“Stop. You're gonna hurt yourself. Stop,” Will said, trying to hold his brother down but quickly realizing he wasn’t capable of. “Jay, you gotta stay. Jay!” He yelled the last part, but Jay didn’t hear him. 

Nurses and the on-call doctor came running inside and helped Will try to call Jay, but there was no use. The nurse had to sedate him and still, only after a couple of minutes he stopped struggling. 

By the time Jay’s fit was over, Will was completely tired and exhausted, every breath he had hurt his chest and he considered being on the verge of a heart attack himself. For some reason, he expected Jay to mad at him, to curse him and send him to hell, or even accept Will’s apologies and they would move on from this dark time. However, he did not expect Jay to think of him as a hallucination. 

“ _ You usually vanish after a while,”  _ Jay had said. Jay had hallucinations of him, and he wasn’t there. His little brother saw him in his fever dreams, what Will in Jay's dream used to say? Was he nice to him? Was he an asshole? Did he try to help or only brought him down? 

Will’s line of thought was interrupted by someone clearing his throat outside the door. Will followed the sound to find Hank Voight in the doorway. 


	3. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm planning on updates every week and I'm working hard to keep posting every tuesday.  
> Hope you like this one.  
> Thank you all for the kudos and the comments. It truly blows me away.

Will did not know Hank Voight well. He thinks that he only spoke with the man a handful of times, and all of them were updates about someone else life. He did not go to Molly’s like Adam, Erin, and Kevin, preferring the darkness of his office and a bottle of whiskey. But there was something Will knew. 

Hank Voight was a smart man who knew his last name was Halstead, just he knew Jay’s. He must have connected the dots at some point, but for some reason, he decided to keep himself quiet about it. 

“Dr. Halstead,” was the first thing Voight said to him and pulled him out of his thoughts. 

Will nodded and looked at Jay, who now slept almost peacefully in bed.

“How is he?” Voight said, coming closer to the bed. 

“Still stable. As you could see, he woke up… stressed out.” 

Voight huffed. 

Will walked around the bed and grabbed the tablet standing close to it. 

“This is his toxicological exam,” Will said, handing it to the man, “The numbers of this unknown substance on him are astrological, cocaine is not capable of doing this to someone. Whatever he took was way stronger than that.” 

Voight analyzed it. 

“Two days ago, a college kid showed up in the ED with the almost same drug on her system. She OD’d just like Jay, but her heart stopped a few hours after.” 

This time Voight only nodded and looked at Will. Without any response, Will grew impatient. 

“How do you know my brother?” Will asked the question he had been waiting for since last night. 

“Do you have anywhere where we can talk in private?”

Will looked at Jay's sleeping form and decided his brother would not be back for at least a couple of hours, so he nodded. 

They both walked out of the room, and Will took Voight to the rooftop of the hospital, figuring it would be a good place for them to talk alone. They got there in almost a blink of an eye. 

“So…?” Will spoke, pacing around a bit. 

“I met Jay a few years ago on a drug bust the unit did. Do you remember the drugs with the spider in it?” 

Will felt all the air living in his lungs as he nodded. 

“He was selling them but did not know what they were doing to people, it was his first bust as well,” Voight said, and Will imagined his little brother on a holding cell being questioned by Hank Voight. Only the thought of it made him want to puke. “When we told him what he was doing, he told us everything we needed to know and was responsible for the arrests.” 

Will nodded. 

“After that, I decided to keep Jay around. He was a good CI, knew people all over the town, and was above all suspicious. I only found out about him being your brother once Kevin got shot and you were his doctor. I must say, I was surprised.”

“Did… Did you tell him?” 

“About you?” Will nodded. “Yes, but he didn’t want to know about it. I imagined you would be glad to see him, but apparently, he wasn’t ready.”

“Do you… Do you know if he has anyone? Like a girlfriend or even a friend?” 

“No, I don’t think so.”

Will nodded. 

“Someone threw him in here, literally, he was thrown out of a car like he was nothing,” Will say, even though the words hurt him. 

“In the life he has, Will, I don’t believe he has many friends. Jay is a lone wolf, I’ve never seen him with any affiliates, he is always on the move and doesn't get attached to anything. That’s why he was such a good CI, no one suspected when he changed sides or gets involved in other stuff.” 

Will couldn’t take that as a complement, all he could hear was that his brother had no one in his life. No family, friends, love, and warmth. He was abandoned. 

“He is not a bad person, Will. If you stick around he might turn himself around, I always thought all he needed was a chance at the right time.” 

“I plan to do that, but I don’t think he wants me to.”

“He wants, don’t let him fool you.” 

Will nodded and looked at the clock. “I need to go back, he may be waking up a few.” 

Voight nodded and shook his hands.

When Will came back to Jay's room, his brother was still asleep, which gave Will time to think things through. In the last couple of years, his brother was having such a different life than he had imagined for him. 

At school, Jay was a lone wolf, did not have many friends, was always picking up fights and talking back to whoever crossed his path, but he was smart, kind, hard-working, and stubborn. Could've been anything he ever wanted. Somewhere it all went wrong. 

Will could blame a lot of people, his dad, cancer that took their mom, but in the end, he knew Jay had always been his responsibility. One he had failed a long time ago.

He tried to remember the last real conversation he had with his brother, but nothing came to his mind. He honestly thinks that one day they just stopped talking. Will stopped calling, and Jay stopped answering. Simple as that. No huge fight or arguments, just life. 

He never had a good relationship with his dad, so he just found out Jay was missing almost a year after it happened. His dad did not give him a lot of details, just told him that he was ungrateful and had vanished. 

Now, here Jay was. Lying in front of him after being dead for a minute or so. He wondered if the people who threw him out of the car had done it another time of the day if he would even know that his brother was here. Maybe not. 

He had no ID on him, no indication whatsoever that they were related somehow. Will never even told anyone he had a brother. Let alone one that went missing years ago and was never found. Will would've gone through with his life one more time as Jay was suffering, just like he had been doing all this time. 

A few minutes went by until Jay opened his eyes again, this time Will came closer as slow as he could. 

"Hey, little brother," Will tried, smiling through the knot on his throat. 

Jay's piercing blue eyes looked right at him now, his pupils were on a normal size now at least, and he kept his silence. 

"You are Chicago Med, you had an OD'd on some unknown substance. We ran some tests and your doctor will talk to you about it in a few," For some reason, Will thought that this would be a good way to start a conversation. 

"Why are you here?" This time, Jay's voice was so much better. It was deeper than Will had remembered, a little sluggish from the sedative, but it was already an improvement. 

"Because I'm your brother," Will thought that would be the right answer for this question. But turnout it wasn't. 

Jay smiled a little but there was no joy in it. 

Will looked at him for a while, savoring the first time he saw his brother as close as normal as he could. Without doctors crowding him or hallucinations. 

"When can I leave?" Jay spoke again, this time looking over the window. 

"Hm… Only your doctor can answer that, but I believe it won't be for a couple of days," Will said. 

"I thought you were a doctor," Jay said one more time, not looking at him. 

"I am. Just not your doctor. I can’t treat my own family." 

"Yeah, because we're so close to each other," Jay now looked at him with defiance, picking a fight and hoping it would become. Will recognize that still hasn't changed. 

"Jay… Nothing I say or do will ever make up for my mistakes, but I'm sorry," Will started. 

"For what? Leaving me with him? Not even bothering to call? Tell me, Will, when did you miss me? I'm pretty sure it took you years," Jay said with so much hate, it physically hurt Will. 

Will swallowed his tears and nodded because there was nothing else to say. Jay wasn’t wrong. 

“I’m sorry-” Will tried to say but Jay stared at him for the first time and it was enough to make him shiver. 

“You’re not sorry, you’re guilty. There’s a difference,” Jay said. 

Will nodded, figuring it out it would be useless to fight with his brother now. 

“I am going to see if Connor is coming to check on you,” Will excused himself as his voice trembled and he was on the verge of tears. 

“Don’t bother,” Jay said and made him stop walking, “Where can I sign to leave this place?” 

Will looked at him wide-eyed. 

“What? You can’t leave.” 

“Yes, I can.” 

“No! You died last night, your heart stopped. You need treatment, someone laced your drugs and you have an unknown substance all over your body right now, the same one that killed a girl last week in this same ED. You can’t leave. If you do, you are as good as dead.” 

“Oh big brother, I thought you would be happy to see me drop dead,” Jay said with a smirk so dark that would give Will nightmares for weeks. 

“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. I love you. You’re my brother. I would never-Never! Be happy with you gone,” Will said in complete despair, he could only imagine what the room must be like looking at the people outside of it. Dr. Will Halstead yelling at his young brother at the top of his lungs like a lunatic. 

“Yeah? That’s not what I saw,” Jay said without raising his voice for a second. 

“What?” 

Before Jay could explain what he meant, Connor opened the door and let himself inside the room. 

“I’m sorry, but I’ve been knocking for a while,” He said and looked at Will, “Hi, Jay, I’m Dr. Rhoades and I've been your doctor since last night. Nice meeting you.” 

“Hey,” Jay smirked and dared to wave a little, “How are you?” 

Will rolled his eyes as Connor raised his eyebrows at him. 

“I’m fine. You, on the other hand… Jay, as you were asleep we made a few exams and checkups on you, and we diagnosed that your heart is not beating as it should, mostly because the cocaine you used caused the muscle to harden, and now your heart is giving up.” 

Will took a deep breath as Jay remained still.

“Luckily, you are in no need of a heart transplant yet, but it will require you to insert a pacemaker,” Connor did not look at Will, keeping eye contact with Jay the whole time, and for some reason, it bothered him. “If we finish the pre-op today, tomorrow we can have the procedure-” 

“I’m not doing it,” Jay interrupted him, and Will felt his own heart-stopping for a moment. 

“What? What do you mean you’re not doing it?” Will asked incredulously. 

“I’m not,” Jay struggled. He dared to struggle, and Will was about to lose his mind. 

“No. I don’t think you understand, but if you don’t do it, you will die,” Will said way louder than he meant. 

“Ok, Jay, I understand that it can be scary, but I strongly recommend for you to do the procedure. It’s safe, fast, you’ll be awake the whole time,” Connor interfered. 

“No, I don’t think you understand,” Jay said, raising his head and talking slowly at them, “I don’t have insurance if you noticed, I don’t have a place to stay, and even if I did have all of these things: I. don’t. want. to.” 

Connor nodded. “And you understand that by not doing this procedure you can die?” 

“Yes, doctor.” 

“And you take those risks?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

Will put his hands up and looked wide-eyed at Connor, he had never felt more desperate in his life, and while his whole world was crumbling down, Connor was standing next to him nodding. 

"When can I leave?" Jay asked. 

"I want to observe you for a few hours at least, after that, if your SATs are normal you can leave." 

Connor said like Will wasn't freaking out beside him. 

Jay nodded as Connor excused himself. Will followed him outside close by, holding himself back not to punch his colleague. 

"What the hell was that?" Will yelled, bringing attention to himself. 

"That was a patient that recused treatment," Connor calmly said. 

"You and I both know that at the moment he leaves this hospital he is going to use again, and that will kill him! You know that! You can't let him go!" 

"I can't hold a patient against his will, you-" 

"He's not a patient! He's my brother!" 

"Then do your part as a family! Talk to him! Insist for him to get the pacemaker and get help for his addiction! I sure did my part as his doctor," Connor said, leaving Will speechless standing in the middle of the hallway. 

Will looked around and saw people pretending they were not staring at him. He needed a moment before going back to Jay's room. 

With shaky hands, he opened the door and made his way inside. Jay looked at him unbothered by it all. 

Silence sat between them as Will felt the weight of everything crashing on his shoulder. He threw himself on the chair beside Jay's bed, hiding his face on his hands and taking deep breaths. 

"I will never be able to apologize enough for what I did to you. I know it's my fault. I know, no one can blame me as much as I do. No one. Not even you," Will looked up and stared at Jay's eyes in front of him. "If you are doing this as some punishment, please, don't. You already suffered enough for my mistakes, you can't die because of it too. You are young, have your future in front of you. Don't be stupid because of me." 

"It's been years, Will," it was the first time Jay sounded real, not full of anger or drugs. Now he sounded like Will's little brother. "Years. Why change now?" 

"Because I'm not a selfish and stupid kid anymore."

The silence between them took so long, Will did not know if Jay had heard him. 

"I don't have a future anymore." 

The words cut Will like a knife. 

"You do. I spoke to Voight while you were asleep, he told me about how you help the police. You are so young, you can be whatever you want." 

For a moment, Jay just looked at him. Something Will could not point his finger in it was in it. 

"Let's start all over. Not pretend it never existed, but get over it. Like a family." 

Will did not dare to move a muscle, wanting Jay to believe in him. To see how firm and honest he was being right now.

Jay nodded. Slowly, but nodded, and Will felt relief coursing through his body. He wanted to cry from happiness. 

"Okay," Jay said so small, Will almost missed. 

"Okay," Will agreed. 

"Can you call your friend? I have some questions," Jay looked at him with a small smirk. 

"Yeah, sure!" Will almost jumped out of happiness. "I'll be back in a few, Connor must be close by." 

Will couldn't hide his big smile as he nodded and made his way outside the room. They would get through it, Will would do everything in his power to help his brother and to rebuild their relationship, whatever it took. 

He saw Connor turning a corner and followed behind. 

"Connor!" The man turned around, "I spoke to Jay, and he agreed on doing the surgery."

"Really?" Connor asked, clearly confused. "It has been less than 15 minutes."

"We talked," Will explained. "He wants to talk to you." 

Connor looked puzzled at Will. "And he asked you to come and get me?" 

Will's smile faded as his brain processed what had happened. He was running back to Jay's room as fast as he could with Connor right by his side. 

He opened the door as fast as he could, only to see an empty bed where once his brother laid. 


	4. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!

Jay watched as Will walked out of the room to meet his doctor whose name he did not bother to learn. As Will closed the door with a big smile on his face and his eyes shining from happiness and not tears for the first time since Jay saw him again, every cell on Jay's body wanted to stay. 

  
It was like his heart was begging for him to believe in his brother's words and get help, get better, and get over what had happened. But Jay's brain knew it wasn't that simple.   
The last time he tried to stay sober was hell. He honestly thought he was going to die and felt horrible for days. It was like his body was getting rid of everything rotten not minding if he was one of those things. 

  
He hated every second of that and couldn't imagine doing that again, let alone letting Will see him like this. 

  
So Jay gave himself a minute until he was sure Will was far and took off the wires that were attached to his chest and the needled that was in his veins, when he put himself up, he had to fight the wave of nausea that hit him and made his whole world spin around. He held himself up on the bed and started to walk towards the door. 

  
He opened it slowly and looked around. In front of his bedroom, that was only a hallway, no nurses' stations and it was empty. There was no security that Jay could see, a waiting area was a few feet away, but only a young girl was in there and she didn’t pay him any attention. 

  
Jay walked through the halls cursing the cold ground beneath his naked feet and how thin the hospital gown that covered his body was. He didn’t think it was possible for someone to hate the cold as much as he did. 

  
With relief, he found a break room made for doctors and nurses. The door did not need a security card to open and Jay almost laughed at that. He walked in and closed the door from the inside. 

  
He rested his head on the wall, trying not to breathe as he felt his chest bursting in pain every time he tried to breathe. He just needed to get out of there, to hit the streets and find a fix. Simple as that and he would be okay. If he died, that’s okay as well, he stopped caring about it a long time ago. 

  
As nausea stopped for a second and feeling the adrenaline of being caught, Jay searched for anything that he could’ve used to blend himself in. There was a locker next to a twin size bed and he made his way towards there. Only one of them was occupied but he was able to break it without any trouble. 

  
He smiled as he saw that some male nurse had left a pair of jeans and a t-shirt there. Maybe it was his lucky day after all. The clothes were some kind too big for him, but he would not complain. 

  
Dressed up as any normal person would, Jay looked at the hallway again, hearing his brother’s voice screaming at someone from far away. It made Jay stop for a moment and rethink all of this. 

  
Will was there, willing to try and not give up on him. Willing to be a brother again. But then Jay thought about Will laughing like a little kid in a bar with his friends, how the nurses that treated Jay respect his brother and some were even friends with inside jokes. How the doctor responsible for Jay tapped on Will’s shoulder before leaving the room.   
This was where Will belonged, in a fancy room with fancy people. Educated, smart, funny, and stable life people. Not taking care of his junkie brother. Leaving would be better for both of them. 

  
“Bye big brother,” Jay whispered to himself as his mind raced in ways to get out of the maze that the hospital was. 

  
He thought about walking down the stairs but decided that he would pass out from it, so he took the elevator to the garage. The people inside did not bother him, and the security guard he passed by on his way outside the garage did not look at him twice. 

  
Now the cold ground was replaced by the hot pavement of the streets. The hospital was in front of a park that he made his way to. A large group of people was jogging, some of them were eating things with their families, and only then Jay realized it was Sunday. 

  
The people outside helped him vanish, and slowly he was way enough away from the hospital. At the moment he realized he was safe, his body just gave up, and he fell on his knees. The was sweating cold, white as paper, and about to pass out. Just another fix and everything would be okay. It was only the abstinence, not his heart. 

  
He needed a phone. He needed something to talk to someone. Mouse came to his mind for some reason, more than anything, he wanted to have his friend by his side now. But he had nothing, no location or phone number that he could call. Now he was alone than ever. 

  
“Where did I go wrong?” Jay screamed at the sky. “Where? I was by her side when she died! I was there! I WAS THERE! I was a good son,” a sob down on his body, “I was a good person! I even helped him when he would get drunk! I was there! He wasn’t! He wasn’t! He left us!” Jay pointed towards the hospital. His body was exhausted and he collapsed on the floor.

  
“He left me, and he gets everything. It’s not fair,” Jay whispered as his face hit the dirty floor, and he stared ahead as tears fell out of his eyes. “It’s not fair.” 

  
Slowly the darkness surrounded him, and the pain in his chest increased, his mind surprised himself with small relief. A memory from the time he was a little boy playing on the streets with his big brother, they were playing soccer, and Will had passed the ball to him, and he scored a goal. He walked out running with his arms open to the encounter of his big brother that screamed and laughed at him. It was a good day. 


	5. Building Bridges

“What do you mean he escaped?” Will yelled at the security guard that was supposed to watch Jay’s floor. His entire world was still spinning, his heart on the verge of a heart attack because his brother had lied to him, had tricked him, and vanished.

He was now at Goodwin’s office, pacing in front of the woman on the phone trying to find out where his brother was. As Will raised his voice, she reprimanded him with a stare and he hung his head low. 

“Doctor, it’s only me for this huge hallway, and patients are allowed to leave their rooms for walks,” The man explained to him.

“I know…” Will looked apologetic at the man, “I’m sorry, it’s just…” 

Goodwin had turned the phone off and now looked at him. “Mr. Heart, we will talk later about how a patient ran away from you on your shift, but now we have more important matters,” she said as the man nodded and then excused himself out of the room as Will kept pacing. “Doctor Halstead, the security camera caught your brother leaving the hospital by the garage door. A team is already looking for him. He is wearing a black t-shirt and jeans.” 

Will let himself fall on the chair in front of him. He looked at the window trying to imagine how Jay was doing, he had no money, phone, or way to contact someone. His heart couldn't handle another dose of cocaine, if he'd done he was as good as dead. 

Picking his phone, he decided to call the man he knew would find anyone he wanted. He excused himself from Goodwin and went to the hallway. 

“Voight,” the man answered on the first rang. 

“Voight, I’m sorry about calling you but Jay ran away from the hospital. He is without any real food for days, his heart is not beating correctly and he is on withdrawal. If we don’t find him in a couple of hours he’s as good as dead,” Will fought a tear that wanted to come out of his eyes. “I know it’s a lot to ask but if you-”

“Email me everything you know and have. This is going to be a priority in this unit.” 

Will was just relieved. There are no other words to explain it. He made his way back inside and let Goodwin know that the Intelligence Unit would be working closely with the security to find his brother. Right now it was a battle against time. 

It took everything in Will to not go out on the streets and search for his brother himself, but Connor and Goodwin convinced him that would do more harm than good since right now he was a trigger to his brother. So he stood back and waited for any news. 

Goodwin agreed and soon her phone rang with a call from Hank Voight.

For some reason, Will could not stand being there any longer so just walked out of the room and into an elevator, pressing the number on automatic and letting his feet take him to the chapel. 

He sat on one of the benches and stared at the altar in front of it. When he was a little kid, his mom used to take him to church every Sunday. Jay hated it and always came up with an excuse to stay at home until their mom eventually gave up. Once Will said he was sick and couldn’t attend as well, it was the best Sunday morning he ever had. He and Jay had the house to themselves. 

They played soccer on the streets with the other kids, then went back inside and decided they would make lunch for their parents. They almost caught the kitchen on fire. Will smiles remembering a sweaty Jay trying to climb the counter to get flour and it falling all over him. 

Will doesn’t know how long he stood there, sitting and thinking about the past, but he was only pulled out of his thoughts when he felt the bench moving and someone sitting next to him. He turned his head to see Natalie. 

“Hey,” she tried to smile at him.

“Hi,” was the best he could do. 

“I’m sorry about your brother. Everyone is looking for him,” Natalie said, and Will thought that this was a good hospital gossip to help people get through their day. “What can I do?” 

Will shook his head and felt her fingers running through his head. Only then he realized how tired he was, he didn’t have a good night's sleep in at least three days. His body was almost giving up. 

Natalie put him closer and he rested his head on her shoulder. He wanted to cry but the tears weren’t coming, so he just stood there, waiting for some news that would put an end to his misery. For his brother to come back safe and sound. But he knew how unlikely it was. 

Natalie kept running her hands through his hair and he thinks that he must have fallen asleep with his face hidden on her neck since the next thing he remembers is his phone buzzing in his pocket. It took him a few seconds to get it and see it was Voight calling. 

“Is he alive?” Will asked. 

“Ambulance is taking him to med,” Voight said and Will realized he did not answer his question. “We’re arriving in 5.” 

“How is he?” Natalie asked and she sounded worried. 

“Voight didn’t tell me, I don’t think it’s good,” Will said, already leaving the chapel and running in the hallway, bumping into people and in despair so he could arrive at the ambulance entrance as soon as possible. 

Connor came close to him. “I was just called.” 

“Do you know anything?” Will kept looking ahead waiting for the ambulance to come. 

“No. But Will…”

“I know,” Will nodded looking at Connor’s eyes for the first time. 

The ambulance’s lights lit up the garage and Will’s heart started racing. He felt shivers running down his body and he wanted to give up, lay on the floor, and just rest for a moment. Put the world on hold for a second as he picked himself together, but he couldn’t do it. He had to pull through. 

The ambulance in front of them and Connor ran to its encounter as Will followed him a step behind. Jay managed to look even worse than before; that was a scene out of a nightmare, a paramedic was doing chest compressions on his brother who laid motionless. Voight was by his side and when Will looked at him, he shook his head. 

Jay was unloaded from the ambulance and brought in straight to Bagdah just like had happened a few days ago. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” Will whispered as Connor assumed the compressions and the monitor still showed no signs of Jay coming back to life. He looked away from the scene and stared into the ground until he heard the monitor announcing that Jay’s heart had been beating. 

Will looked up and saw Connor looking at him and nodding for him to walk into the room. 

“Will, he needs to go to the ICU. You are the closest keen and I need your consent to do the surgery. Do I have it?” 

“Do everything you can for him,” Will nodded. 

His brother had been wheeled out of the room one more time, this time, Connor put a hand on his shoulder before following. He didn’t say anything, just gave him a small smile, showing how much he felt for his friend. Will only nodded. 

Before he left the room, Natalie was waiting for him at the door. 

“Will, why don’t you go back home for a little while? Take a shower, sleep on your bed for a while. Then you come back?”

“I left for one minute and he vanished, I can’t leave again.” 

“I can stay with him and honestly… I don’t think he can go anywhere right now,” Natalie with a hurt expression. 

Thinking it through, Will knew she was right so he nodded. “I’ll be in the break room in case something happens.” 

Natalie didn’t look happy about it, but she nodded and watched as Will walked inside the doctor’s lounge and collapsed on the couch. 

Will doesn’t know how long he slept in there but when he looked outside the nurses and doctors from the night shift were already working. He wiped the sleep out of his eyes and for the first time in days he felt rested, almost feeling like a human being. His stomach complained about the lack of food in the last few days and Will thought about doing something about it. 

He walked out of the doctor’s lounge and tried to find one of his friends, but his watch told him that most of them should be home by now. 

“Hi, is my brother out of surgery already?” Will asked the nurse that took Maggie's position after midnight. She was nice as well, but not someone he would call a friend. 

“Hello, Dr. Halstead. Yes, Dr. Rhoades came by almost an hour ago looking for you, but decided to let you sleep for a while longer,” She said politely. “Your brother is in the ICU, Room 04.” 

Will nodded and walked toward the elevator. He was calm now, calmer than he should. It was like his whole body was numb and decided that he couldn’t take any more stress and decided to shut down. Maybe he should be worried about it, but he didn’t have it in him anymore. 

The elevator’s door opened and he went straight to Room 04. He had a few patients that were sent to that same room but he never thought he would go inside to meet his brother. 

To his surprise, Natalie was sleeping on the armchair next to Jay’s bed. She was curled on herself and seemed uncomfortable. Will smiled at that as he came closer to her and quietly woke her up. 

“What?” She said in confusion. 

“Hey,” Will greeted her. “I already had my nap. Go home, I'll stay with him.” 

“Are you sure you are okay?” 

“Yeah. I feel better.” 

Natalie nodded. “He has been asleep ever since Connor brought him in. Connor said he successfully put the stent on and now it’s the waiting game.” 

“Thank you for everything,” Will said, kissing her. 

Natalie walked out of the room and let Will by himself in the room with the dim lights on. Will spent most of his time watching Jay’s breathing and looking at the monitor by his side. A few hours ago he was dead, his heart had stopped. Now, he could only hope Jay would accept help. 

A few hours went by until Jay’s monitor showed a change of rhythm, announcing that his brother was about to wake up. Jay’s legs moved underneath the sheets a little and he turned his head to the other side. Will came closer and got ready to try and avoid any kind of escape from his brother. 

Jay opened his eyes and looked around the room until he found Will. 

“Will?” 

“Hey, little brother, how are you feeling?” 

“Pain…” Jay said, trying to take his hands to his chest. 

“I’m sorry but you can’t. You’ve had surgery.”

“Why?” Jay’s voice was so small and sluggish, he could barely keep his eyes open. 

“Because your heart stopped,” Will said hoping Jay would understand. 

“Oh,” Was everything Jay said before falling back asleep. 

Will let his head hang low as he went back to his chair and resumed looking at his brother. 

It only took Jay an hour to wake up again, this time more alert of his surroundings and Will. 

“Hey,” Will greeted him again. 

Jay closed his eyes one more time instead of looking at him. 

“How are you feeling?” Will tried one more time. 

“Alive,” Jay said, not facing him. 

Will knew that in Jay’s world it didn’t mean he was doing well. It meant he was surviving another day. 

“You scared me,” Will said looking down on the floor. 

“I… I don’t remember what happened,” Jay truly said. “I just remember… It’s all blurry but I think I remember you.” 

“You ran away from the hospital after you lied to me. You’ve made quite far considering you were on the verge of having a heart attack, but then you coded on the streets. Sergeant Voight and Detective Lindsey found you, called an ambulance, and brought you here where doctors brought you back. Connor, your cardiologist, was able to put a stent on you to unblock the artery, but your heart is not 100%,” Will tried to explain calmly, but he felt his voice rising against his will at every word he spoke. 

“I didn’t ask for help,” Jay pounded. 

“Oh please,” Will rolled his eyes and got up from the chair. “Because I would just let you die on the streets-” 

“I would’ve died and you wouldn’t even know, so I think that’s okay-”

“Do you think that? Really?” Will now couldn’t hide his anger and frustration, letting the words fall out of his mouth without thinking. “You think that I’m this kind of a monster?”

“You let her die-” 

“No! No! No! You won’t use her against me. I did everything I could for her-” 

Jay laughed. An evil laugh, almost strong, and Will looked down on his feet again. “You did everything you could? You? You did nothing, Will. You went away the minute things got hard. Then came back when she was dying not even knowing what was real and what was not.” Jay took a deep breath and looked at Will with disgust. “You played the good son in front of everyone and at the moment she was laid to rest you caught the next plane out of Chicago. And left me with him.” 

“I-”

“You know what he did when we came back from the funeral? Do you know who he blamed? Wasn’t you. The future doctor. No, no, no, it was me. Did you find the scar I have on my hairline? It was when he decided to throw a bottle of whiskey on my head.”

Will’s eyes shook open. He did not know about it. He knew that Jay and his father had a complicated relationship, but never would've thought that his dad would physically abuse him. 

“Don’t play the knight in a charming armor with me. I know you.” 

Will tried to find the words to say after that. Jay was completely right, but he needed for his brother to understand that now he was a new person. He had changed. He was trying to be a better person now. 

“You’re right,” Will fell back on the chair and rested his elbows on his tights as he faced Jay’s blue eyes. “You’re right. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to apologize enough for everything I did to you, to our family. I was selfish, I was angry, stupid, and… a terrible person. That period of my life… There is nothing that I regret more. You don’t owe me anything. Not forgiveness, not empathy, nothing… But I owe you a lot of things and I would like to start paying my debts.” 

Jay didn’t even blink, his eyes still looked hurt, but they had another thing in them as well. 

“I understand if you never want to see me again, I’m not saying I’m fine with this, but I’ll understand. You don’t deserve to be defined by my mistakes. Let me make this right this time.” 

There was a moment of silence between them. 

“It’s been years, Will,” Jay cut through the silence. 

“But it’s not too late,” Will assured him. 

“Maybe it’s too late for me,” Jay closed his eyes. “God, I need something right now.” 

“You can’t… Your heart can’t take it.” 

“What is your big plan? Huh? Babysit me and then throw me out in the streets again?” 

Will knew that Jay was trying to push him away as much as he could, and the words were meant to put insult into injury, but Jay was hitting them right every time. 

“First we need to check on your heart and monitor it for a few days. You're gonna withdraw in the next few days so it won’t look pretty or easy on you. Then, Chicago has good rehab centers where you can go for a month or two to get the help you need. After that, you can do whatever you want. Go to college, travel, I don’t know.” 

Jay looked at him like he was considering it and Will felt hope rising on his soul. 

“I tried to stop a few years ago… It did not end well,” Jay said. 

“Were you alone?” Jay nodded. “Well, this time you’re not. I’m gonna take leave and stay with you as long as you need, we have medicine and doctors capable of taking care of you. It will be easier.” 

“What happens when you get tired of me?” 

“Jay, come on…” Will said exasperated. 

“Will. I know you, that’s who you are. You find a new thing, get obsessed over it until it loses it’s fun and you drop it. You’ve been like that ever since you were a kid.”

“First, you’re not a toy. Second, I understand that we haven’t been… brothers for a long time. But I changed. I’m a different person and I hope you get to trust me again someday because I don’t plan on leaving you.” 

Jay looked at him like he was searching for a hint of a lie in his words, but after a moment he nodded and silence fell upon them. Unlike the other times, the silence wasn’t uncomfortable and filled with tension, like a bomb was about to explode at any minute. This time, Will let himself sit on the chair and look at Jay while his brother looked at his own hands. 

There were so many things Will wanted Jay to know. But now it wasn’t the right time, so he decided to break the ice with something else, something safe. 

“Are you still a Cubs fan?” 


	6. Liar

“So, Jay, tell me a little about yourself.” 

It was Jay's first meeting with a psychologist the hospital -his brother- had sent him to. It has been almost a week since he first arrived in the hospital and only two days after the worst week of his life ended. The withdrawal was hell, the medicines that the nurses and doctors kept pushing into him weren’t helping at all and the pain in his chest only increased. One night he thought he was going to die. 

He was sweaty, in pain, the world in front of him was spinning like a merry-go-round and Will stood by his side during all of this. Jay remembered thrashing around as nurses put cuffs on his wrists so he wouldn’t hurt himself and Will opening space for them to do it safely. He never thought he could hate Will more than he had at that moment. 

“I needed you! I needed you and you were partying. I was living in the streets, cold on a park bench. He kicked me out and you weren’t there to help me. My life went to hell and you left! And now I’m supposed to give you a second chance because you feel guilty? I don’t owe you anything.” Jay remembers shouting at the top of his lungs, hoping that the words would hurt Will as much as he was hurting. 

A nurse had given him something to calm down but everyone in the hospital knew pretty well that it wouldn’t be enough. And still, they weren’t giving him what he needed the most. Everyone knew. The nurse with the worried face. The doctors worried about his heart. His brother knew. His brother. His goddamn brother. The face watching him suffer from across the room. 

“Get out!” He heard himself saying. “Get out!” He yelled now. 

Will’s face turned from pity to something else. Suffer, anger, disappointment. Something else. His eyes were wide, caught in surprise, like he was some deer who didn’t see the car coming just before it became roadkill. Still, he kept his feet in there. 

“I said get out! I don’t want you here. I don’t want you in my life. Leave!” Even if his body was screaming in pain, he still managed to make his voice full of hate, making them sharp enough to hit Will’s heart. 

Will nodded but didn’t even move a muscle. Held his feet in place. 

“LEAVE!!!” Tears dripped from his eyes now and he couldn’t stop them as they came. They just did and he was too weak to stop them. “You’re the reason why I’m here. You left to live your good life and left me behind. YOU. LEFT. ME. YOU MADE THIS TO ME.” Will’s face hardened, nodded, and didn’t leave. 

“You like seeing me like this, don’t you? Suffering. In pain. It makes you feel good, doesn’t it? Makes you feel like I need you. But I don’t. I don’t. ”

“Never.” Will’s voice sounded small but still sure. It infuriated Jay even more. So this time he just yelled and trashed in bed. He barely noticed when a light sedative was put in his IV. Still, Will stood there. 

Jay yelled until he exhausted himself.

It wasn’t his proudest moment, but he must say he was happy that Will kept his promise and stood by his side. He wouldn’t let his brother know, but it meant the world to him that maybe Will was being honest, maybe he wanted to be a family again. Someday he would apologize for the things he said, but right now all of them had some kind of truth behind them. 

Almost a week later, Jay almost felt like a human being again. Will had brought him some sweatpants and t-shirts so he was finally out of the terrible hospital gown. He still could feel his heart beating faster than it should but Connor Rhodes told him he was stable enough to go to a room and leave the ICU. 

Now he was out of his room for the first time in what felt like an eternity and was sitting in a chair in front of Daniel Charles, head of physics and one of Will’s friends as he gathered. The shakiness on his hands and legs gave him away, but the doctor probably knows everything there is to know about him now. 

“There is not much,” Jay says and shrugs. 

The man raises his eyebrows asking for him to continue. 

“Got no friends, job, family. Don’t know what else to tell you,” Jay complemented.

“Well, you do have a brother.”

“I… He says so.” 

“Well, he is trying to be your brother right now,” Charles told him with a smirk, “Just like you are trying to bring him back in your life.” 

“I think so,” Jay looked at the floor wondering if he should continue. 

“How does that make you feel?” 

"what?" 

"How Will make you feel?" 

Jay considered the question for a moment. Will made him feel a lot of stuff. Anger, resentment, shame, love, insecurity. He wanted to punch Will every time he saw him but wanted to hug him as well. Have a beer and laugh at a downtown bar, curse Will for his life. 

"I don't know" was an honest answer. 

The doctor seemed pleased by the answer as he nodded but Jay knew he wanted more, and he couldn't give it now. Talking about Will was way too confusing. 

"That's okay. How's the treatment going?" 

Jay shook his head. He looked at the doctor and considered if he should say what was on his mind for a while. 

"Can I tell you something?" 

"Of course." 

"I don't think I should be here."

"You think you don't have a problem?" 

"No, no. I know I have a problem with drugs… but I don't think I should be getting this kind of help as well." 

"Why?" 

Jay did a pause, thinking his next words. He knew what the doctor would think of him if he said what was on his mind and he considered if he was worth it. 

"People look for help when they need right? And people who need it have family and people who care about them, they need help. They have something to look for. I don't have it." 

"You don't think you have a future?" 

"No, not really," Jay realized what he had just said and he felt his heart racing. “Not that I’m going to off myself or anything. I’m not suicidal, but I don’t belong here.”

“Here?” 

“In a fancy hospital, with fancy people. I’m a liar, a thief, and if you think about it, I killed a few people along the way. I should be in jail right now or dead.”

“Well, Jay, the first thing we need to work is on your self-esteem. You deserve to get treatment as much as the person next door. You are a human being who made mistakes and choices that took you somewhere, just like I did as your brother did.” 

Jay huffed. “Yeah, perfect Will making mistakes. “

“I think you would be surprised if you spoke to him about it,” Charles said with a smile. “Time is up for now, but I’m looking forward to talking to you in two days.” 

Jay didn’t believe in that, but he nodded anyway and excused himself out of the room and into the hallway where Will was already waiting for him by the door.

“Hey, how was it?” Will had an expression Jay couldn’t read. It wasn’t happiness despite his smile but it wasn’t invasive. 

“Fine, I guess,” Jay shrugged. 

“Great,” Jay had started walking back into his room and Will followed close behind. “Well, I spoke to Connor and -Hi, Doris - he told me that he plans on discharging you tomorrow. So I’m gonna call the clinic later today and schedule the time we can arrive-” 

“Will,” Jay stopped the rambling as he felt like his head was about to explode. “I just spend an hour talking about my feelings to a stranger. Please, can I have a moment of quiet?” 

Will looked like he was about to cry but his big eyes staring into Jay’s. But he nodded and quietly scolded his brother back into the room. Silence. The silence was good. The silence was the opposite that was happening in his mind right now. 

He laid in bed and closed his eyes. Thinking about it, some release that would put him out of his nightmare. Will was right there by his side, Will had access to drugs, any kind. Morphine would help him. Morphine would help more than Will, more than Doctor Charles, Rhoades, or any nurse. He just needed Will’s ID card. 

Jay opened his eyes and looked at Will, he was sitting on the chair beside the bed, as usual, there was a backpack a brunette had brought him weeks ago. She had introduced herself to Jay but he was way too out of it to remember her name. Jay had seen Will pull his wallet out of the backpack and a card with his name on it. Doctor Will Halstead. 

Will looked at him and Jay was able to pretend he was only looking. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just… Exhausting,” Jay said. There was this thing about Will, he was so desperate for forgiveness that he would do anything for it and would believe in anything for it. 

“I know it must be scary. but I promise it will be alright,” Will said, sounding tired as well. 

“Thank you for being here,” That was it, all Will’s walls had crumbled down in front of Jay and he really should feel guilty about it, but right now all he could think was that his brother was sending him to a clinic upstate where he wouldn’t have any kind of drugs for 30 days. He doesn’t remember how long it had been since he was without it for this long. He did not know if he could survive this long without.

“Of course, I’ll always be here,” Will said with tears in his eyes. 

Jay gave him a tight smile. 

“Don’t be mad at me but… You look like shit, man,” Will laughed at that and nodded. “It’s true, you look worse than me.”

“I… This chair is not comfortable,” Will excused himself. 

“I… Don’t you have a nice house to go back to? I mean, you must make good money being a doctor and everything…” 

“Well,” Will took a deep breath. “I’ve been living with my girlfriend for a few, she does have a nice house.” 

“Girlfriend?” Jay’s heart broke at that. He knew Will must have girlfriends, knew he had a life, but goddamn...This hurts. That was a hint of jealousy, maybe from Will’s life, maybe from his girlfriend that had his brother's attention and love more than him. 

“Yeah, the brunette that has been here yesterday,” Will looked apologetic. “ Her name is Natalie. She is excited to meet you.” 

“I figured…” Jay closed his eyes and threw his head back. 

“She is. She stood with you for a while when you came back from the surgery while I had a nap,” Jay was honestly surprised at that and looked at Will. “She’s great. I think you’ll like her.” 

“Man, go home to your girlfriend,” Will opened his mouth. “Just for tonight. You’ve been here for more than a week, she probably misses you and you miss her as well. I promise you I won’t run away.”

“Jay-”

“Just for tonight. You look like you need it.” 

Will considered it. He looked at the door, clearly tempted by it. Jay prayed in the back of his mind that Will would go away, just for tonight. Just so he could get what he needed. 

Finally, Will looked back at him. 

“Can you promise you won’t escape?” 

“Yes. I told you I would go to the clinic,” Jay said. 

“The nurses have my number if anything happens. Anything. Call me, promise?” 

“I promise.” 

Will considered then nodded. He moved slowly but he stood up from the chair. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Will, I’ll sleep the whole night. Don’t worry.” 

Will looked at him with his big brown eyes. Jay stood up from the bed and came closer to his brother. 

Jay opened his arms, inviting Will to a hug. Will accepted it and Jay had to be honest, this felt good. It felt like the years had nothing in between them. Like everything never happened and they were little kids in Canaryville again. But this time, Jay’s arms reached Will’s pocket and stole his Hospital’s Card. 

Will didn't even notice. Jay was the one to break the hug and after that, they nodded at each other and Jay felt guilty as he saw Will's tear-stained face. Maybe he did mean something to his brother after all. 

"I'll keep my cellphone by my side all night. Please call me if anything happens. Anything," Will said one more time. 

"Ok," Jay nodded and Will started to walk away. 

"Will," Jay heard himself saying. "Thank you, for everything." 

Will stopped and Jay wasn't sure if he was still breathing. 

"Don't ever thank me for this," was what Jay heard as Will walked away. 

Jay was alone for the first time since he walked into the hospital, no Will, no doctors or nurses. He needed to use some of something. Part of his brain knew that he should be as happy as a kid who finally was left unsupervised, instead, all he felt was guilty. 

He went back to bed and questioned himself if should do what he was about to do. His body was shaking so much, he could feel his heart beating on his chest, the blood rushing to his head. Jay doesn’t know long he stood there, but it was time enough for the hall to be quiet, and the night nurse to come one more time to check his vitals. 

Jay felt as the first tears escaped his eyes and the others followed. It was almost an out of body experience. He could feel his own body moving against his will. His legs taking out of bed, his hands opening the door Will had closed. He hated it. Hated himself more than ever. How could someone be so weak?

It was like the world had blacked out for a moment and when it came back Jay was in front of the medicine cabinet. All kinds of medicines in front of him, only glass separating them. It was going to be worth it. Just a hint so he could rehab. Just for tonight. 

He took a deep breath, grabbed Will’s card, and passed it through the ID. 

“Password,” the machine required of him. 

“What?” Jay asked himself. He should’ve thought it through, of course, it wouldn’t be this easy to get medicines in a hospital. 

He pulled his hair, trying to not make a sound so no one would see him there. “Ok, ok, ok,” he repeated to himself until he stopped shaking. 

He thought about what password Will would use. He tried his brother’s birthday but a red light came on display. 

“Ok, it’s alright. Think Jay, think!” He yelled at himself now. There were 6-numbers passwords, 6 numbers. Only 6. Jay tried his birthday, maybe his brother was sentimental like that. 

Wrong. 

Frustration built in him. He wanted to punch something, to yell. He was a fire with nothing to burn.

This time he did not hold back and yelled. Not caring if someone would come. Maybe Will was one of these stupid people that put a simple password. So his fingers tapped on the number 1, then on the number 2, 3, 4, 5 -

“You know the system blocks after the third mistake?” A voice came from behind him. 

Jay jumped away from the cabinet, almost falling. Out of instinct, he put his hands in the air, dropping Will’s card on the floor. 

By the door there was a black lady with blue scrubs, Jay focused on her despite his shaky and loud heart and recognized her being the friend who was with Will at a bar a lifetime ago. “Fu-”

“Yes, indeed,” She said putting her hands on her hips. She came closer to him and Jay’s mind raced. 

She would tell Will about what he had done tonight, Will would come back to the hospital and look at him with that disappointed look on his face. Will would tell him what a piece of shit he was and how much he was embarrassed by being his brother. His brother would give up on him and throw him on the streets again, this time not caring to look back. 

Jay felt hands on his shoulder, and he realized he was curled on the floor, crying. He tried to breathe, but no air was coming to his lungs. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Follow my breathing,” Will’s friend coached him. “Take a deep breath. That’s it, you are doing great.” 

Jay knew she was lying but he did his best to follow her and her over the top breathing.

“Please, don’t tell Will,” was the first he said after he eventually calmed down from his panic attack. “I beg you, please.” 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that,” She said and Jay could feel she was sorry enough. 

That was when his world crumbled down. 


	7. And now fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I'm honestly so surprise by how this story turned up.  
> Thanks to everyone who is reading, commenting and giving kudos. Hope you guys like this chapter, I really didn't want to put it all in rainbows and flowers since I've always seen Will was a baby who doesn't like when things don't follow his expectations.  
> P.s: for some reason in my head this story happens during season 3.

Will was cuddled into Natalie for the first time in weeks. Although he was happy to have his brother back in his life, even in a twisted way, he had missed these little moments dearly. The softness of Natalie’s bed, the smell of her hair, and the way his arms surrounded her perfectly, at that moment it was perfection. 

He let himself relax, to feel everything he was supposed to feel. Soon, his body was floating. 

Then he heard a ring as he felt something vibrating. Another ring. Another vibration. _Jay,_ his mind screamed and he got up from bed in a movement, scaring Nat who was peacefully sleeping by his side. He grabbed the phone, accepting a call from Maggie. 

“What happened?” He said, only now realizing his voice was shaking. 

“I need you to come to the hospital,” Maggie said, and Will’s mind ran over two hundred things that could’ve gone wrong while he was away for a night. 

“Is he alive?” Will decided to ask. 

“Yes, I just think he needs you.” 

Will nodded and told Maggie that he would’ve been there in a few minutes. When he looked at Natalie, she had a worried and curious expression on her face. 

“Something happened to Jay, I’m gonna go check,” He explained. 

“Ok, keep me updated,” she said before kissing him goodbye. 

Will drove to the hospital numbed. It seemed that his body could not keep up with the stress it was dealing with and decided to shut down or he would lose his mind. Jay was alive, that was a fact, so he could deal with whatever it was. 

The hospital building came into his view and he parked his car in front of it. He searched his belongings for his wallet, but could not find it. His hands palmed the passenger seat, he searched on the car’s floor, and only when he searched in his pocket did he remember that it was where he put it. He remembered Jay and his words, the hug they shared. 

“Goddamnit!” Will yelled. He was still sitting in the car, and emotion between anger, frustration, betrayal, and sadness coursed through his body. He slapped the steering wheel, once, twice, three times, until his hands were red and swollen and his body was shaking, feeling like a child throwing a tantrum. 

He got out of the car in rage just like he walked into the hospital. He did not stop and greeted anyone, going straight to his brother’s room. 

Once he arrived, he saw Maggie standing by the door and he decided to go past her. 

“Will-” He did not stop for her, he pushed past her and opened the door with a loud bang. 

“I must say… This was stupid!” He yelled at Jay. Will was about to come closer and yell his lungs out for his brother, but the image in front of him made him stop. 

Jay was still in his black shirt and sweatpants, curled in the bed, shrinking himself in, with his arms hugging his legs and head hidden behind it. Will wanted to yell at him, but the reasonable part of his brain thought better than punching a horse that was already dead. So instead of yelling, Will took a deep breath and faced the wall in front of him, and decided to calm down. 

Maggie had realized that the huge argument about to happen had dissipated and closed the door, giving them some privacy. 

“What the hell were you thinking?” Will said, still facing the wall, trying to keep his voice calm but failing as he spoke through his teeth. 

He heard Jay mumbling something. 

“I did not understand you,” Will said as hard as he could. 

“I’m sorry,” Jay said so quietly that it was almost a whisper. 

“For what? For lying? For being caught? For trying? What, Jay? Tell me what you are sorry for.” 

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.” Jay repeated, still hiding his face. 

Will ran his hand through his face. He was trying hard not to be an asshole to his brother, to remember what med school had taught him. Jay was sick. He needed help but it was so much easier when the patient was a stranger. 

“WHAT YOU WANT ME SAY?” Jay simply busted, yelling, and scaring Will. “I’m a liar, a cheater, a good for nothing son of a bitch! I manipulate and betray, that’s what I do!” 

Will only rolled his eyes. 

“That’s true and if you don’t see this you are blind!” 

“That’s what you tell yourself at night?” Will asked in a neutral tone. “That’s your excuse?” 

“Oh please,” Jay rolled his eyes. 

“No, tell me. Because I think it’s easy for you to say that but you don’t believe in it right?” 

“You don’t know me! You want the image that you always had of me, your loving little brother that would always look up to you, that you would come and save from trouble. I’m not him!” 

“So who are you? For real? Because I don’t pretend to know you, I only see the part you want to show me and right now I can only see despair,” Will fought back. 

“Then leave. I’m not asking for you to stay! I’m not asking anything from you!” Jay yelled once again. 

“You want to push me away? Want to make me leave and then make me the bad guy in your story? Fine, do that. But at least be smart about it,” Will said and walked out of the room, not wanting to say any hurtful words to his brother. 

Will opened the door and was about to cross it. 

“Stay,” He heard Jay said in a quiet voice. It made Will stop in his tracks and look at his brother who had a childish expression on his face. “I’m honestly sorry for lying to you. I didn’t want to do that, it just… Sometimes I have this thing who takes over me and I just… play along.” 

“That’s your addiction,” Will stated. 

“I know I have a problem, I know… But you don’t know what it’s like to want something that you can’t have. You don’t know. It makes me so mad. 30 days, Will. 30 days without anything. I can’t do it. I can’t.”

“You can. I know you can.” 

“No, you don’t understand… I can’t.” 

“Jay-”

“NO!” Jay shouted again, “Will, you don’t know. It’s like...” Jay looked at the roof trying to find the words to express his feeling. “Imagine trying to live without air. Your lungs are working, everything in your body is working and it all keeps pushing and begging for air that does not come. Then you realize it will never come and your body starts to beg for it because it can’t live without it. Soon you realize you are drowning. And… Will, you try to hold on. But it’s impossible. This is how I’ve been feeling ever since I’ve got here. I’m drowning and I need air.” 

Will looked at Jay and tried to imagine what it was like. What a hell it should have been all those days. He’s a doctor, he knows recovery is hard, he had treated a lot of patients that were recovering through the years, but none of them was his brother. 

“Jay,” Will calmly said, sitting on the hospital bed in front of him and looking into his blue eyes. “Be honest with me ok?” 

Jay nodded. 

“Do you want to get sober?” 

Jay looked down. 

“You don’t need to lie. I swear to you I won’t just leave you but Jay, I can support you. I can put you with the best doctors Chicago has to offer. I can do a lot of things, but I can’t fight it for you. I can give you everything you need to win this fight, but what is the point if you don’t want to?” 

“I know I need to. I know. My brain knows, but my body doesn’t.”

“What do you want?” 

“I want to be my old self again…” Jay looked into his eyes and Will could see tears forming. 

“I think you can be better than that,” Will thought it was the right thing to say and Jay gave him a small smile.

“What if I can’t do this? What if…” 

“What if you take a step at a time?”

Jay stopped to think about it. 

“I don’t know who I am, I only know the things that I dislike. The things that I hate.”

“And what you don’t want to do?” 

“I don’t wanna go to a clinic,” Jay said small. “It doesn’t feel right to me. It’s… Will, I feel like I’ve been throwing in jail and you say it’s not, but it is. It is a punishment.” 

Will breathed loudly. 

“I-I’m sorry.” 

Will hated himself for not trusting Jay right now. Every time he had seen his brother opening up to him was a lie, a way to trick him into getting what he wanted. He knew that leaving Jay at home was a bad idea as well as he knew that Jay being put in a clinic against his will wouldn’t help anyone. He hated it. Hated the situation, himself, his father, his family. 

“I know I’m not the most trustworthy person right now, but I can promise you I’ll try,” Jay said looking into his eyes. “Just don’t send me away.” 

“You have no reason to stay in the hospital, so tomorrow you can go to my place. You can live there and I’ll talk to the clinic about their outpatient rehab.”

Jay breathed in relief. 

Will knew it was wrong. Knew he shouldn’t be trusting his brother right now, but maybe he was too foolish and blind. His reason was yelling that Jay would escape from him at the moment he was out of the hospital and it broke his heart in pieces. So he looked at his brother's sunken expression and bloodshot eyes just in case this was the last time he saw him. 

“Thank you, Will.” 

Will nodded. “Get some sleep, you gonna need it.” 

“Thank you.” 

“It’s okay,” Will said, enjoying the moment of silence before the storm. He hoped Jay couldn’t see how he was fighting tears from falling. 

Morning came and Will was lost. He did not sleep for a single moment, thinking it all through and planning what he should do to make it better. He would take Jay home, cancel the clinic, and talk to doctor Charles about the home treatment. Maybe install a security camera at the house? No, that would be too much. But who would be with Jay when he was out working? 

“Morning,” Connor announced himself and Will almost had a heart attack. 

Jay heard the noise and slowly woke up. 

“I heard we had some situation last night,” Connor continued and Jay looked down ashamed. “These things happen, Jay. You are only beginning recovery, it’s important for you to not give up. Ok?”

Jay nodded and Will wanted to believe in that but couldn’t. 

“Your exams are fine, but here are your prescriptions in case you need them,” Connor said and gave them to Will. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Jay. Take care.” 

Will watched as Connor walked by and stared at Jay. 

“This is it?” Jay asked in a serious voice. 

“Yeah. Now it’s up to us.” 

Jay nodded. “Will, I swear I’ll try.” 

“I know, I believe in you,” Will lied and it tore him into pieces.

“I will get ready,” Jay announced and went to the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, Will hid his face in his hands. What a mess. 

Jay’s belongings fit in a bag, so in less than a minute it was all ready for the both of them to walk out of the hospital. They walked together through hallways, and Will greeted some of his friends as Jay watched them from a distance. 

“How long do you work here?” Jay filled the silence as they waited for the elevator. 

“3 years give or take,” Will said, putting his hands in his pockets. 

“What kind of a doctor are you anyway?” 

“Emergency Medicine.” 

“ER?”

Will nodded. 

The elevator arrived and they walked in it. The silence between them was almost unbearable, there was a tension in the air as they both looked forward and pretended that it wasn’t happening. 

“Will, I’m really sorry about last night-”

“It’s okay. We need to move forward,” Will forced himself to smile and Jay could see it was fake. “My car is in the parking lot. I just need to go to the ED really fast to get my house’s key.” 

“You don’t have it?” 

“I walked out kind fast from my girlfriend’s house and ended up forgetting.” 

Jay looked down and nodded. 

They walked together into the ED as Will looked for Natalie. Jay’s eyes were scanning through the room, paying attention to every single one in there. He walked behind Will with his head down and hands on his pockets. Will went to the nurse station and Jay stood back watching as he spoke to Doris and she told him Natalie was at bay 03. 

“Will, I can go to the car-” 

“Hey,” Will noticed how anxious Jay was. “It’s okay. It won’t take long.” 

Jay’s legs were shaking impatiently and his eyes were not focusing on anything. 

“Hey,” Natalie’s voice came from behind Will. Jay let out a huge breath.

“Hey, Nat,” Will turned to greet her. “This is my brother, Jay. Jay, this is my girlfriend Natalie.” 

“Hi,” Jay said but did not look at her. 

“It’s nice to finally see you awake, Jay,” Natalie smiled. “Hope to hang out with you sometime.” 

Jay nodded looking at the ground. 

“We should get going,” Will said as he got his keys from Natalie’s hands. 

“Bye,” Natalie leaned in to kiss him and he reciprocated. “Bye, Jay.” 

Jay waved at her. 

The walkout from the ED was even more uncomfortable. On the drive home, Jay looked at the window and avoided any conversation. Will wanted to know what to say, to try and make it better, to fix it all, but nothing was coming. 

His house was coming into view and he thanked every god involved. 

He walked out of the car and Jay followed. His house was not big, actually, it only fit him. Will showed Jay the kitchen, bathroom, living room, and bedroom. 

“This is where you can sleep.” 

“Where will you sleep?”

“The couch, it’s pretty comfortable.” 

“You don’t need-”

“Yeah, I do. Don’t worry.” 

Jay breathed in. “It’s a nice apartment.” 

“No, it’s not,” Will smiled. 

“Yeah, it’s not,” Jay let himself smile too. “I expected more from a doctor to be honest.” 

Will honestly laughed. “Oh, let me show my college debts and you will see what to expect.” 

The waves of laughter died and Jay looked down on his foot. “I can find a job, you know?” 

“What?” Will widened his eyes. “Oh, no, no. Don’t worry about it.”

“Rehab is not cheap,” Jay said looking into Will’s eyes. 

“It is when your brother is a doctor,” Will said tapping on his shoulder and walked past him towards the kitchen, needing some caffeine in him. 

Jay followed him and they were seated in front of each other. Will forced a smile when he watched Jay take a sip of his cup that soon faded when Jay looked down. _Are you lying? Will you escape when the night comes? Who are you?_


	8. Houselife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I would like to say a huge thanks to everyone who is reading this story! I have a few more chapters ready already and I'll post it soon.   
> Hope you enjoy this one!   
> Merry Christmas!

“Hi, my name is Susan, and I am addicted,” a blonde lady that apparently had her life together took the stand and said those words like they were simple. A chorus of “Hi, Susan” was heard but Jay did not say anything. He stood in the last row, a hood covering his head as he looked at the floor, and at this moment, he just wanted for it to open and swallow him. 

The NA meeting held a place in one of the rooms of the rehab center. A few chairs were put in front of a pulp where people were invited to go in and talk about their addiction, why they used it, how they stopped it. 

As Jay balanced his legs up and down, he thought it was all stupid. Will dropping him off with the sad smile he had on his face for the last few days, the way these people were talking about their feelings in front of a bunch of strangers, how some of them were crying. He wanted to roll his eyes, to escape and vanish. Maybe he could try and find something and return by the time Will comes back. 

He looked at the door and watched it as the girl’s words became background noise. He could do it if he tried. He ran his hands through his hair, looking at the ceiling this time, taking a deep breath. 

“Hey, man, you good?” A voice pulled him out of his thoughts and a hand on his shoulder grounded him. 

“What?” Jay said, looking at the man sitting beside him. He was older than Jay, black hair and a deep voice. 

“Are you good? Need me to call an ambulance?” The man spoke again and Jay looked at him wide-eyed. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” Jay quickly said and decided to leave the place. He looked around and it seemed that the meeting had come to an end already.  _ How much time did I miss this time? _

“Really?” The man stood up at the same time as Jay. 

“Yeah, man,” Jay said, walking fast to get away from the guy, 

“My name is Antonio by the way,” The man managed to intercept Jay and stay in front of him, blocking his way out. “What’s your name?” 

Jay was obliged to stop walking, but it did not stop him from rolling his eyes. 

“Come on, we are all friends here,” Antonio insisted. “We’re all struggling with the same thing.” 

“I don’t think so, now excuse me-”

“Really? What’s your story? What makes you so different from us?”

“I don’t know you, you don’t know me. Let’s keep it this way,” Jay said, pushing past the guy. 

“Hope to see you next meeting,” Jay heard Antonio saying as he left the room and made his way outside. 

The wind on his face refreshed him. He closed his eyes and let the smell of the city sulk into his body and took deep breaths to calm his nerves. He was still shaking, he did not spend a day not wanting to use it again, every cell in his brain was begging for it. He did not know how he managed 5 days without anything, but he doubted he would last any longer than that. 

Maybe today was the day he would give up pretending and go find a dose of cocaine, it could be small. Only to ground him a little. Will would understand, he would be mad and disappointed, sure, but he would get over it. 

Jay recognized Will’s car coming by and put himself together as much as he could. Will was his getaway ticket, the thing he wanted the most, the lifeboat while he was drowning in the middle of the ocean, he could not miss his chance. So he put the thoughts of having a dose of cocaine in his body away, hoping they would not come back. 

He walked into the car and his brother had the same fake, the forced expression on his face that he always did. The one where he tries to pretend his brother is not killing himself from taking so many drugs. The one where he tries to believe Jay can be saved. 

“How was it?” Will asked. 

“Hell,” Jay said, putting his head on his hands. 

“Jay, I know you are not happy-” 

“I know, Will!” Jay yelled. He didn’t want to, but there was something inside him burning bright and taking him under.

“You gotta try,” Will calmly said. 

“I’m trying,” Jay whispered. 

Will nodded. 

Homelife was quiet. Will tried to fill Jay’s time as much as he could, he gave him books, showed him Netflix shows, and sometimes would let him use his computer. They did not talk much, there was nothing for them to say to each other and Jay knew his brother was uncomfortable in his own house because of him. 

Will was sleeping on the couch while Jay had the bed, Will whispered when he spoke on the phone with his girlfriend, Will reduced his time at the hospital so he could spend more time monitoring Jay, Will did not go out with his friends so he could know Jay wasn’t putting cocaine in his system-

“Are you okay?” Will’s voice put him out of his thoughts and he realized they already arrived at the house. 

Jay had to blink for a while before he nodded as if he was still waking up. 

Will nodded as well and made his way out of the car.

They decided what they wanted for lunch and ate in silence. Then, they sat on the couch and watched a movie. There was still a tension in the air that Jay could almost touch it. 

“Was it really that bad today?” Will asked him. Jay wanted to thank him for not allowing the silence to continue. 

“I… Didn’t use it,” That was an honest answer. 

“That’s good,” Will gave him a small smile. “I’m proud of you. Do you think it’s helping? Any of it?”

“I don’t know,” Jay looked down. 

“That’s okay, it’s only the beginning,”

“Do you really think so?” 

“Yeah, I do,” Will said and Jay could see right through his brother’s lie. It was clear that Will didn’t trust him and Jay couldn’t blame him, but he couldn’t say it didn’t hurt any less. He was trying, he was really trying. 

“I’ve met a guy today, I think he can help,” Jay decided to say. 

“Really?” Will looked surprised. “A sponsor?” 

“I think so… I will talk to him next time.” 

“That’s good, that’s really good, Jay!” Now, Will is the happiest Jay ever saw him. His eyes were shining, he had a real smile on his face. For some reason it made Jay feel ashamed of himself. He couldn’t tell Will how he turned the guy and ran away. 

“Yeah, I suppose.” 

The silence fell upon then again. 

“I think we should go out to celebrate,” Will said as he got up and made his way to wash the dishes. 

“Celebrate what?” 

“You finding a sponsor,” Will said like he was stupid. 

“I didn’t really speak to the guy,” Jay looked down on his feet. 

“But you will. Come on. It will be fun.” 

“My definition of fun is a little different from yours.” 

“Jay,” Will reprimanded him. “We will only drive around the city for a while. The whole point of you not going to inpatient rehab was so you wouldn’t feel like a prisoner.” 

“Ok, ok.” Going out gave Jay anxiety for some reason, the city was too big, bigger than Will probably knew. There was danger in every corner, that was temptation in every corner. Jay had a history in most of it. 

Will promised him they wouldn’t leave the car, they would go to a drive-thru, find a nice parking spot and eat there. Jay thought Will only wanted to go out for a minute, and he couldn’t deny his brother that. 

Will’s Chicago was better than Jay’s. It was brighter, fancier, and happier. The people in it were all those things too. They drove by a club and Jay remembered how not long ago he would get into those places only as a way to make some money, he remembered how the boys looked down at him and the girls treated him like a piece of meat. To the people on Will’s Chicago, Jay was nothing. 

Something must have given him away and Will took his eyes off the road to look at him. 

“Are you good?” 

Jay nodded. 

Will did not insist on anything else and Jay thought that his brother must have been tired already of him. 

They arrived at the drive-thru, ordered some sandwiches, and ate them in the parking lot. 

“You remember that we used to do it when I got my license?” 

“You were a terrible driver,” Jay smirked. 

“I got better,” Will defended himself. 

“You couldn’t get any worse without losing your license,” Jay said, with a smile on his face. 

“Come on! It was not that bad.” 

“Will, you hit your car almost every day in the school’s parking lot.” 

“I didn’t know how to park, but that was it.” 

Jay laughed. A real loud laugh. In moments like this Jay felt like they were normal. It was like for a brief moment of time they were themselves again, like a ray of sunshine entering a room. Then Jay looked down and saw the shakiness on his hand and the reason behind it. 

So he looked at the sky instead and tried to find the moon and take his head out of things. His appetite was still not back yet, but at least now he could eat something without wanting to throw it up. The burger was good, the french fries were good, he had a nice bed now, he attended a fancy clinic, he should be happy, but something was missing. He tried not to think about what it was. 

They drove back home and only a few more words were exchanged. Jay longed for the silence, liked it even, but he couldn’t hide how unsettling it was. He wanted to talk to Will, wanted Will to talk to him too. What was the point of it all if they couldn’t even be friends? 

Instead of doing anything about it, Jay threw himself in bed before Will could try and start a conversation. He tried to find a comfortable position but couldn’t. 

He closed his eyes and his mind supplied him with every bad decision he ever had. Voices of people he met along the way told him his sins; " _ you're so hot _ " a clearly high and drunk girl approached him and he kissed her. He shouldn't have done it but he was as high as she was. The loud music messed with his brain. He pushed her closer and he heard Mouse yell  _ “YEAH JAY!” _

Now a kid was crying in front of a club, the sobs were so strong he couldn't breathe. Jay kneeled down next to him and coached him,  _ "it's okay, you'll come down soon. _ " A few minutes ago Jay had sold him a few grams of cocaine and it clearly didn't fit with the kid. The boy was having the worst trip and no one was there to help him. No friends, no one to care about him, so Jay sat down with him until he calmed down. 

He opened his eyes trying to avoid more memories to come, the bed was on fire right now and he couldn't be there any longer. 

Walking into the living room he saw Will lying on the couch that was too small for him. His legs were curled and his neck was at a weird angle but he still slept peacefully. 

As silent as he could, Jay put on Will's shoes and walked out of the house. At first, he just walked around the neighborhood. It was past midnight and the streets were empty of anyone in there. 

The cold air hit his face and he looked down on his clothes and cursed himself for not putting a coat on. He decided to nevermind it and soon his body screamed for him to run. 

He started in small steps but then he got velocity. He did not know where he was running to, he just was. Will's shoes were not the most fitting but they did a good job. Right now he just wanted to bust his energy. So he ran and ran and ran. 

His lungs yelled for him to stop and his face was so hot that the chill air of the night did not bother him. He was sweating and heavy breathing. He had never felt better. It was like he was alive, the heartbeat on his chest proved him that. Now, he was exhausted but in a good way. It was like his body was finally satisfied. Jay couldn't help but smile. He sat on the gutter for a while catching his breath. 

He made the way home to Will's in a mix of walk and jog and only got lost once. He was proud of himself. 

Before he even opened the door he could hear Will's voice. He was almost yelling at someone and as Jay came closer he could hear the pacing. 

He opened the door and suddenly everything was quiet. Will, who was in the middle of the living room, turned around to see him and froze. There was no sign of relief in his brother. 

"Hey, I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk," Jay explained himself and his sweaty clothes. 

"You went for a walk?" Will repeated. 

"Actually I started to run after it, but yeah," He said walking towards the kitchen and grabbing himself a glass of water. 

Will was at the same spot. His eyes followed Jay and his chest got up and down as if words were about to bust from it. 

“Just ask,” Jay ordered after he looked at his brother for a while. 

"Did you use it?" Jay knew it was coming but it didn't mean it hurt any less. Will's level of trust in him was below zero and he knew it, it made him mad, made him angry and sad. 

"I just told you I was out for a run." 

"I just need to confirm… If you used it I need to get you checked because-"

"Because you don't trust me." 

Will opened his mouth to say something but the words stopped on his lips only to infuriate Jay more. 

"Say it! Come one! Say it! I know it's true!" 

"I really don't want to fight right now. I have to go to work in less than 3 hours. We talk about it later."

"I want to talk about it right now!" Jay yelled. 

"Too bad for you then!" Will said and laid on the couch again. 

"Why don't you say what's in your head? Why do you lie and pretend you care about me?" 

"Lie? Lie?" Will got up and Jay thought he finally got the fight he was looking for. "I woke and you weren't here. I went out in the streets like a crazy man looking for you, thinking you could be hurt, having a nightmare, or whatever. When I couldn't find you I called the cops. I was on the verge of having a heart attack and when you arrived I was calling every hospital in the city to question them if someone like you had been brought in." Jay looked down. "I was worried! I was freaking out! I thought you have run away again! You left no note. Nothing! Just like you have done in the hospital. I don't pretend to care about you, I care. You are the one who doesn't believe in it." 

There was a pause after that. Will kept looking at Jay's eyes and Jay let the words sink in. 

Jay tried to find words to fight back and keep the argument going but nothing and Will must have noticed that since he went back to the couch. 

"I did not use anything. I was only running." 

"That's it then. Next time leave a note." Will said and did not look at him. 

Jay nodded and went back to his bed. He thought about Will's words and wondered what it must have looked like for his brother to wake up with him gone. Jay had been stupid, foolish. Despite his exhaustion, he did not sleep, he wanted to talk to Will more. Find out if he cared about him or not if he trusted him. Of course, he didn’t, and if he was honest, he didn’t trust Will too. 


	9. Ovethinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays everyone! Hope 2021 is better than this year!

Will woke up with his back killing him one more time. He tried to stretch it out, but it only made it hurt more. A sharp pain spread from his neck to his shoulder, making him grunt. It has been weeks since he had a full good night of sleep, and he couldn’t deny that he missed his bed more than anything right now. 

Ever since Jay vanished in the middle of the night, his brother found out running was a good way to bust all the energy he had in him, so now it was all he did. He ran miles every day to the point where Will got to interfere and ask for him to slow down - without success. 

Now it’s almost a routine for Will to wake up and Jay to be in his kitchen sweaty, flushed, and drinking a gallon of water by himself. 

“Hey,” Will greeted him, wiping the sleep out of his eyes. 

“What’s up?” 

“How many miles today?” Jay having a hobby made things easier somehow, now they had something to make small talk over that wasn’t about his addiction.

“Only 2, I woke up quite late and didn’t want to get us late as well.” 

“You will compensate later?” 

“Probably,” Jay said and announced he was going to take a shower. Will resumed doing his breakfast. A few minutes later he was dropping Jay in the clinic and then walking through the doors of Chicago Med. 

“Halstead, good timing! You are up!” Maggie announced. 

“Good morning for you too!” Will said while making his way to the doctor’s lounge to get ready. 

“Hey, babe,” He heard Natalie said as she walked towards him and kissed him. “Missed you.” 

“I’ve been missing you too.”. 

“How is Jay?” 

“Getting better. Three weeks sober,” Will said proudly. 

“That’s so good!” Natalie sounded excited about it. The moment ended when Maggie reminded him that he had work to do, so they said their goodbyes, and Will made his way to the ambulance entrance. 

His first case of the day was simple. A young woman with fever, dizziness, and vomit. After a few tests and a prescription, she was good to go. He attended a few more people, it was flu season anyway. Everything was calm until he walked out of the bay and Maggie had a worried expression on her face. Phones were ringing all around. This was never a good sign. 

“Attention everyone!” Maggie shouted. “Multiple suspected overdoses events on Burnham Park. We are gonna need everyone. Bring all the Narcan from the pharmacy, we need to be prepared for secondary injuries and side effects.” 

Will felt his stomach sinking in. Burnham Park was about 30 minutes from the clinic he had just left Jay. If his brother wanted, he would have escaped and went in there. He looked at Natalie and she was looking at him already. 

“Maybe he wasn’t in there,” she said as she came closer. 

“Yeah, maybe,” he tried to remain positive. 

Soon after that, the ED became chaotic. Ambulances did not stop coming bringing more and more people in, most of them teens. Will tried not to make it personal, but he couldn’t help and search for Jay on each face passing by him. 

“Hey, you good?” Connor asked him as his eyes followed a young kid with blond hair. 

“It’s hitting too close to home, if you know what I mean,” Will said. 

“Do you want me to take over?” 

“No, I can’t run away from every case that reminds me of someone I love.” 

“Okay then,” Connor patted on his back and made his way to his next patient. 

A new patient was assigned to Will as a skinny young girl with dark hair, who was having trouble breathing and soon lost consciousness. 

“We’re gonna need to intubate,” Will said to April, the nurse closest to him. “I need an EKG and a Narcan drip.”

April was fast and soon the girl was stable enough but her heart was giving up. “Take her to Connor.” 

Flashes of Jay being wheeled off rushed through his brain and he did his best to shake it. Will went to grab his phone so he would call the clinic and ask them if Jay was okay, if he was safe. Before he could do it, a young man around Jay’s age with dark hair and thin skin was introduced to him as his next patient. 

“John Doe, same as the others,” the paramedic said. Same as the others meant they all were overdosing on a drug that mixed cocaine and fentanyl, worse than heroin, and lethal since someone put the wrong dose of fentanyl in it. 

“I’m doctor Halstead! How are you feeling?”

“It hurts!” the boy said as he was curling on himself. “Hurts!” 

Will ordered a few tests, put the man on an oxygen mask, and tried to do an ultrasound but the kid fought against it. It was tiresome. Just as he was ready to declare the boy good to go, he had a seizure. 

More medication was put in his system without success as the monitor announced that his heart had stopped. 

“Damn it!” Will cursed as he started doing chest compressions. The boy’s face became Jay’s and he couldn’t let Jay die. Jay had to live to hate him, to be free. So he increased the compressions, doing his best to the heart to restart. 

“Dr. Halstead-Halstead!” Someone was yelling. Goodwin? He knew that voice. Something pulling him out of the boy and another person took over the compressions. April did. 

“Dr. Halstead, I think you need a break,” Goodwin said as his world came back into focus. He opened his mouth to say he was fine until he realized he had cracked one of the kid’s ribs. 

“I’m sorry,” he said instead. 

“Take a breath, come back when you’re ready.” 

Will wanted to fight and complain, but he needed a break. He couldn’t deny it. Instead of going to the rooftop, he went to the garage and walked until he made it to the streets. He called the clinic, and his heart busted as he heard it ring once, twice, three times. No answer. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. Everyone in the hospital knew Jay, they had a file on him. If he had been brought in he would’ve known. Jay was fine, he was in the clinic talking about his feelings and how he shouldn’t do drugs. It was it. Everything else was his brain trying to kill him. 

“Hey, are you good?” Natalie came from behind him.

‘Yeah… Just... “

“Worried about your brother?” She smiled at him. 

“Yes. I just- I keep thinking that he could be in that park. He could be in here, or in one of the ambulances,” Will said looking down.

“Will, do you trust your brother?” 

He shook his head. 

‘Oh Will…” Natalie bought him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her. "Have you tried the clinic?" 

"Yeah, they don't pick up," he said, showing her his phone. 

"They are probably managing this mess." 

"I know. The rational part of my brain knows, but.. . Nat, I don't remember if I saw him walk in the clinic. What if he didn't? What if instead he went to the park. He knows a lot of people and one of them could have told him about this sale today." 

"Will, you are overthinking." 

"I know, but-" 

"Jay was not brought in. No one saw him. He was not in there." 

Will nodded. Natalie kissed him and told him she had to go back and Will followed her back into the ED. He made his way to the boy he broke ribs and went to check on him. Breaking ribs while doing compressions was not the end of the world, it actually happened quite a lot, but Will couldn't help but feel like this was one different. 

"Hey Will," Connor announced himself. "Do you know this one?" 

"Not really," Will shrugged. "Just wanted to know how he was doing. I broke his ribs." 

"Happens. The ribs are the least of his problems. I did a CAT scan and the contrast didn't even show. His arteries are completely blocked." 

"God…" 

"Yeah, we are waiting for an OR so I can do an open heart on him." 

"That sucks, he is so young." 

Connor nodded. "I hope everything goes well and he decides to live after that." 

"Yeah, me too." 

After what felt like an eternity, the first wave of patients passed, Will threw himself on the couch and tried to call the clinic again. 

"Chicago Rehab Center, how can I help you?" 

Will's heart skipped a beat as he was not expecting an answer. 

"Hi. I'm Will Halstead, I wanted some news on my brother: Jay HalsteadMr 

"A moment, sir." 

Will's heart was in his hands. He just wanted to hear the lady say Jay was fine, that he was doing some therapy or something. 

"Sir, mr. Halstead has not been admitted today." 

The words came as a shock to him. It was like something had exploded inside him and made him into pieces. 

"Goodman it!" Will yelled, running outside. He almost ran over Maggie. 

"Maggie! Maggie!" He tried to calm himself down. "Did my brother come in today?" 

At first, she looked at him in confusion, then Will could see she was trying to look for the answers he wanted. 

"No. Even if he was without an ID I would've known him." 

Will wanted to be calm by it, but instead, he ran inside the hospital. He hit a wall and almost slipped once or twice, but he was able to make his way to the surgery room where Connor was in. 

“Connor! Connor!” Will hit the microphone as strong as he could. 

“Will! I’m operating, in case-”

“If Jay used whatever they took, would he survive?” 

Connor stopped what he was doing and looked at Will. Will could see the answer in them before Connor even spoke, actually, he knew all along. Just didn’t want to accept. If Jay had any doses of this drug he would be dead before he even got into the hospital, they wouldn’t even bring him in. 

Will wanted to cry but instead, he stood still. His brain was still processing the information, Jay could be dead for hours and he did not know. It was like a switch had been turned off inside him. He knew something was wrong, he had been feeling it all day and was fooling himself. 

He remembered the last few days and how Jay had been as close to fine as he ever was. They were almost brothers again, they talked, had dinner together, now it was all gone. There would be no Jay in his future, no one to worry about, to take care of and look forward to. 

Life with Jay in it was strange, but life without Jay was hell. 

He could hear someone talking to him in the background, but decided he would just ignore it. Now, Will was walking the halls he ran not even a minute ago thinking that he must find his brother more than ever. Hold his hand maybe, tell him he was not alone. 

He felt his phone ringing in his pocket and for some unknown reason, he decided to pick it up. 

"Will, we need to talk about Jay," Hank Voight's voice came through the phone. Will wasn’t able to answer, so Voight tried again. “Will, are you in there?” 

“He is dead, isn’t him?” 

Voight was quiet after that.


	10. Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I tried to make this chapter like a Chicago PD episode, but I think I failed. Still hope you enjoy it! :)

Jay had walked out of Will’s car and was making his way towards the clinic's front door. It was a path he already knew by heart, just a few feet away. He remembered when no long ago these same feet were miles. When every step was built with fear and anxiety. When Will used to wait for him to get inside so he could leave, now his brother barely parked the car. 

Rehab itself wasn’t the hell Jay thought it would be. The first week was not good but now he sees that it was mostly due to his reluctance in going than the program itself. Talking about his feelings in public was still a huge no for him, but now at least he opened up to his therapist. He felt better, he felt like he could actually accomplish something now. 

Now, his hands were about to push the door for him to walk in when Antonio opened it up from the inside in a hurry. Jay involuntarily took a step back and moved out of the way. 

“Jay! Jay!” Antonio stopped in his tracks when he noticed him. The hurry in the face turned into something else and he got Jay by the shoulders. “I need you to follow me.” 

“What?” Jay said, getting rid of Antonio’s hands on him. 

“You were a CI not long ago, you know people-”

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” Now Jay took another step away from the man. “How do you know that?” 

“I work for Hank Voight, okay?” Antonio said, pushing out of his pocket a badge with Chicago Police’s logo in it. Intelligence Unit. 

“He asked for you to spy on me?” Jay’s voice got an octave higher than usual. He could not believe this was happening to him. Not only Will did not trust him but Hank Voight had sent a spy to him. 

“What? No!” Antonio sounded surprised. “I go in here too. Look, I don’t have a lot of time to explain but I need your help on a case, a lot of people are at risk and you can help. What do you say?”

Jay looked back at the clinic, this would be the first time he would skip a day. Life or death situation. Will is a doctor, he would’ve understood him. 

“What happened?” He said, finally taking a foot forward and following Antonio to a black car that was parked outside the clinic. 

“We just got an insight that a huge sale will be taking place at Millenium Park. Sebastian T. is the one behind it, does it ring any bells?” Jay tried to think if he ever knew someone with that name. “Grab my phone, it has a picture of him,” Antonio said, watching his confusion.

As soon as Jay saw the picture he reminded who Sebastian was even though he had met the man with another name. Lok. 

“Yeah, I know him.” Jay knew him pretty well. Jay’s first boss, the one who had him hooked up to drugs and the one Jay had betrayed eventually to start his career as a CI. “I thought he was arrested.”

“He got out and is back in business.” 

Antonio drove fast and soon they were parked in front of the 21st district. Antonio walked out of the car in a single movement while Jay had to take a deep breath.  _ “What the hell are you doing?”  _ His brain asked him and he did not know the answer. 

They walked inside and made their way to the second floor. When they arrived a group of people were already there, unlike Jay thought it would be, they did not stop and stared at him. Most of them continued whatever they were doing. 

“Finally,” Voight said. The sergeant was the first one to acknowledge this existence. “Halstead, glad to have you here.”

Jay nodded and the people around him stopped only for a second and then returned their attention to Voight. 

“Sebastian T, previously known by Lok was arrested three years ago in charges of murder, drug traffic, and being a crime lord in Chicago,” A blond guy said as he clued Lok’s mug shot on a whiteboard. “He escaped prison about six months ago and has been out of the radar ever since.” 

“Yesterday, we got information from a CI that a sale of a new drug called Spider is going to happen today at Millenium Park, it’s been stored in an unknown location. We need to find out where and avoid it from hitting the streets.” A lady with short hair said, pointing at information on the board. 

“No one knows where Sebastian is, but we saw one of his colleagues walking into this storage building last night,” the blond guy spoke again, this time he put a picture of Thomas on the board. “Police walked in last night but nothing was found.” 

“Thomas was a distraction,” Jay interrupted. “Lok is smart, he wouldn’t leave any of his known people to take care of it. It was probably a test to know if the police were into him, all you did was confirm his suspicion.” 

Suddenly, all the eyes were turned to Jay but instead of feeling small, he feels confident. He may not be a cop, but right now, he knows more than most of these people. He knows Lok, how he works, and how his mind works. He knows how Lok likes to put crumbles for the police to find, how the guy laughs while they are chasing fake leads.

“Yesterday you may have had a huge chance of catching him in some building not far away from the storage unit. He likes to see the police’s dumb face when they realize they were fooled,” Jay can see the looks he is receiving, but he only spoke the truth. 

“I’m sorry, who are you?” The blond man asked. 

“Jay Halstead,” it felt good to say it out loud. “I worked with Lok, I know him. Spider is his new experiment, he wouldn’t risk it being taken away from him like that.”

“Jay was a CI and now he is here to help,” Antonio came to his defense. 

“So, Jay, what do you suggest?” The lady said. 

“You say it is going to happen at Millenium Park right? So he must be keeping it close, some residential building for sure.”

“Rented?” This time, a black man asked. 

“No, it would be a lot suspicious. He probably has the house for a while.” 

“Have you ever been in any of his places?” The lady asked one more time. 

“No, only once and I’m sure he moved from there years ago.”

“Halstead,” Voight said. “If we take you to the park would you be able to identify who is selling?”

Jay thought about it for a moment. “I don’t mess with Lok in a few years, I wouldn't know the new blood, but yeah, I think I can point at you guys.” 

“Alright, someone put a wire in Jay. We are running out of time.” Voight walked out. 

“A wire, what the hell?” Jay complained. 

“You are coming with us,” Voight said. 

“No, I’m not! I’m a CI not an undercover cop. That’s your job.” 

“Halstead! You almost died because of this drug, now a bunch of people is about to go through what you've been through because of it. So, you are going to put a wire, go to that park and identify whoever is selling, chat a little and get us a location before hell breaks loose, do you understand me?” Voight said. 

“Which part of I’m not a cop you don’t understand?” Jay insisted. 

“Halstead! You are not the kind of person who stands back when shit happens, you and I both know that. So put on your big boy’s shoes and let’s go. You ride with Erin.” Voight yelled and walked into his office, closing the door.

“I don’t even know who that is!” Jay tried to protest one more time, without any success. When he looked back he could see the woman with short hair with a tight smile and waving her hand. 

“That’s me,” She said. “Now come on. I’ll tell you what to do in the car.” 

Upset, Jay followed Erin and soon they were riding toward the Park. Jay was in the passenger seat looking at the city in front of him as she drove. 

“I’m glad to see you are doing better,” she broke the silence. 

“What?” 

“I’m the one who found you when you decided to run away from the hospital that time,” She explained. “So, you are welcome.” 

“What?” He asked again, but this time he understood perfectly well what she was saying. 

“I won’t repeat myself.” 

“Ok,” Jay huffed. “I didn’t exactly ask for help but thank you,” He said with as much irony as he could. 

“But your brother did and I don’t think you would be alive right now if it wasn’t for me. So, you’re welcome.” 

Jay smirked. “Yeah, thank you.” 

“I’ve been where you are, I know it’s hard-”

“Have you ever OD’ed, met your long lost brother, got into rehab, and then was sent by the police to buy drugs when you were three weeks sober?” 

She smiled and then it became a small laugh. Jay couldn’t help but smile too, the girl had something that called him towards her. Erin was making his heart race in a high school crush kind of way. He looked at her for a while and he had to force himself to look out of the city before it came weird.

They had arrived at the Park and Erin parked the car in one of the streets. This time of the day it was not crowded but had enough people in it. 

“Your job is pretty easy, identify whoever is selling it then talk to them and see if you can find where Sebastian is.” 

Jay nodded. 

“You don’t need to buy anything,” she assured him. 

“Easier said than done.” 

Jay fixed his clothes and made his way to the park. He saw the car Voight was in not far away from the center of it, the blond cop and the black guy were pretending to be jogging. Jay wondered if the police were always that obvious. 

He looked at everyone’s faces, tried to find anyone he met before but nothing. 

“Movement on the west,” a voice said in his earpiece. Maybe it was the blond guy. 

Jay walked towards them, keeping his head low and looking at everyone. Now, Jay recognized a kid he had met last year, he couldn’t remember the name of the boy, but he knew that he worked for Lok. 

“Found someone,” Jay announced close to the necklace they had given him as a wire. 

“Approach carefully,” Now Jay heard Voight’s voice. “Remember we need Sebastian’s location.”

“I know,” Jay said beneath his teeth. 

Jay had to stop for a moment and take a deep breath.  _ You can do this.  _

He approached the guy he could not remember the name and soon he could see that the boy had recognized him as well. 

"Blue Jay!" The boy yelled. “Long time no seeing, man,” They shook hands and the man pulled Jay closer into a hug. “Where have you been?” 

“Hey, dude! I’ve been around. Police got me so I had to lay low for a while.” 

“Damn it, man. But now you are back in the game?”

“Yeah, I am,” saying this made Jay anxious. He felt his body betraying him and starting to shake. The guy must have noticed it as well. 

“Do you need something, man?” 

Jay’s brain cursed him. He wanted to punch himself. He remembered Will’s face and how now he was starting to trust him, remembered how proud of himself he was once he made two weeks without anything. His heart was racing and the world was coming out of focus. He couldn’t do this. Couldn’t take whatever this guy was offering. But Voight was betting on him, right now, the whole unit was hoping on him. Goddamn. 

“What do you have?” Jay heard the sound of his voice. 

“New thing man, really good.” 

“Spider?” Jay asked and the guy looked at him suspiciously. 

“How do you know that?” 

“Matt gave me some of it last month, I almost died,” Now Jay’s legs were bouncing up and down remembering how his chest hurt and the hell it has been when he took whatever they were selling today. The thought of someone else going through that made him sick. 

“Oh shit, that was you? He told me something about it.” 

Jay laughed. “Do you have anything else?” 

The man stopped for a bit to think about it. “No right now. Today is Spider only. Sure you don’t want something? He fixed the dose this time.”

Jay cursed out loud and paced a little. 

“Can you take me to Lok? I need something, I- I really need something. He can give me.” 

The man looked over his shoulder. “Blue Jay, you know how he is whenever there is a new sale.”

“Man, it has been weeks. Weeks. I am without anything, I don’t even have money to buy something. I really need to talk to Lok.” 

The guy thought about it for a while then got his cellphone out of his pocket. 

“Hey boss, I met Halstead here. Can I bring him in? Says he wants a job.” 

Jay didn't think he could get more anxious than he was. He wanted to skip this moment of his life and never return, jump to the next part when he didn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Maybe go back to the past, to this morning, and tell Will he wouldn't get up from the bed today. 

There was a moment of silence and then the answer came. 

“Ok, bring him in,” Someone on the other side of the line said. He remembered Dr. Charles telling him he should avoid stressful situations and triggers. Right now everything the doctor told him to avoid was in front of him. 

“Nice. Come on! I will drive you there,” the guy said. 

“And the sale?”

“What about the sale?” 

Jay raised his eyebrows. 

“Oh, I’m not the only one here today. It will be fine without me, I’ll bring you in then come back, no problem.” 

Jay hopped Voight had heard it while he followed the man to the car. And the car was Jay’s hell. It smells like every drug Jay ever used. Weed, cocaine, LSD, heroin… It was all mixed up and tempting Jay to use it. He remembered Connor telling him he couldn’t use anything ever again if he wanted to live, but what about only a little? What about it when a lot of people’s lives were in the way? The rule still applied? 

The man started to talk to Jay but he couldn’t pay attention, all his strength was being used to not do anything stupid right now. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth he would’ve asked for something and he did not want it and couldn’t let his body betray him. 

Soon they arrived in a simple suburban house. Nothing that indicated it was any different from the others. Jay had been right about it at least. He looked at the rearview mirror and did not see any cars. He could only hope Voight’s team was following him and would stop him before he could do anything regretful. 

The guy walked out of the car and Jay followed. As soon as the door was opened he knew that he was in the right place. Loud music, men with guns, and the intoxicating smell of drugs gave it away. 

“Jay Halstead! Long time no seeing my man,” Lok greeted him with a hug. “The prodigal son comes back.” 

Lok was sitting at the dinner table, just like he did when Jay first met him. A few lines of cocaine in front of him, he lowered his head and snorted it. Jay felt shivers running through his body. 

“I wasn’t away for long,” He dared to joke. 

“No, you weren’t,” Lok stood up from the table and Jay could feel the shift in the ambient. Lok had a menacing look in his eyes. “Did you know that I remember when I first met you?” 

Jay decided to take a step back but two guys bigger than him were blocking any way out he could have. 

“You were a scared little kid, desperate for love, to have anything. I remember thinking that I could do anything I wanted with you, shape you as I wanted. I did that.” The man smirked. “You were my best man for years and you didn’t even know that. And then, boom, you go missing for a few hours. Do you remember what happens next, Jay?” 

Jay felt his whole body shaking as the man stood up from the chair he was seating and made his way towards him. He knew he was going to die in this dirty house because of his past. He had been responsible for Lok’s first arrest after all and Jay had seen him executing people for less than that. 

“I asked you a question, Blue Jay.” 

“Yes,” Jay said, looking down. 

“Cops busting in. All my hard work was gone. I was put in a cell, Hank Voight beating the shit out of me, and still, do you know what hurt the most?” Jay swallowed dry. “You didn’t even get a day in jail.” 

Jay could feel his heart hammering in his chest. He could see death’s face now and it was pretty alive, with a smirk and saying  _ “I finally got you. _ ” Because that was the truth, Jay had been escaping it for so long he doesn’t even know why anymore. He cheated when he ran away from home and refused to die on a park bench, when he got away from the police and drug dealers, switching sides like a record changer, even when he overdosed and met Will again. Twice. He was on borrowed time for a long time. 

Now, Death was here like an awful joke. Now that he was trying to build something, that he was proud of himself, that he had someone who would care if he died. Maybe that was the point of it, in the end, he at least had someone. 

“How stupid do you think I am?” The man said in Jay’s face, closer than he needed to. “You vanish for months and today, today, you decide to come back. Tell me, how is Hank Voight doing?” Jay felt as Lok's punch hit his diaphragm, taking all his breath away and forcing him bent down. 

At this moment Lok looked at the two guys behind Jay. “Strip him down. I’ll be right there.” 

Jay was being pushed towards the basement. He tried to fight as much as he could, he heard himself saying “Come on, man! You know I’m not a snitch! Come on! Lok! Lok! Please,” even though he knew it was useless. His only hope was for Voight to be hearing all this. 

Soon, Jay felt hands around his body taking off his clothes and eventually the necklace. So that’s how he was going to go, naked in a dark basement. If he knew today was his last day on earth, he would’ve accepted the drug the guy in the park offered him.

They put a hood over his head and felt himself being forced to walk outside the house and into a van. Jay had been in a lot of shameful situations over the years, but this was the worst for sure. 

The car stopped moving and he was walking again. His feet could feel dirty beneath it and cold air.  _ Oh, he is going to execute me in a field.  _

The hood was pulled out of his face and he could see Lok with a gun and a smile on his face. “I usually don’t like doing this, you know, but I’m not going to lie. I’ll enjoy every second of this with you.” 

Jay was put on his knees, hands behind his back and Lok behind him. 

“Count,” the man ordered. 

“Come on, I didn’t do it. I swear.” 

“I said, count!” 

Jay felt tears escaping from his eyes. He hoped Voight would tell Will that he had died trying to do some good in the world to try and make up for his mistakes, that he had gone sober. He closed his eyes and mourned the future he would never have but was so close. The world hated him.

He never had in himself to live a long life, and right now he wouldn’t go out sobbing, begging for his life, no, he was going to die because he stopped a lot of people from dying once, for doing the right thing. He had to be proud of himself. 

“Blue Jay, I’m gonna have to count for you then,” Lok said, and Jay opened his eyes and turned, now facing the man who was about to kill him. 

“You can kill me, but man… You are so screwed,” Jay smirked. 

“See you in hell, Halste-” The sound of the last word was swallowed by the loud noise of a gun being fired. 


	11. I really mean that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was my favorite chapter to write and i thought about posting it just Tuesday, but i really wanted you to read it, so here it is!  
> Thank you all for your comments and kudos!

Jay had heard his fair share of gunshots in his life, he even fired a few of them, but every time he was surprised by how loud they were. He hated how the sound keeps ringing in his ears for such a long time if he was too close to it. He never thought it would be the last sound he heard.

With his eyes closed, he waited for the pain, for the hit to come. But it never did. Instead, he heard the sound of a body dropping by his side and then another gunshot. What? 

He opened his eyes to see what was happening. To his surprise, he watched as Voight and his team came closer. 

“Chicago PD! Drop your weapons!” Jay heard Voight yelling. For a second, Lok looked over his shoulder to see who was shouting, long enough for Jay to get up from the floor and punch the man on the chin. The man stumbled back a little, losing his balance and shaking his head to get free from the dizziness. 

Jay heard a gun being cocked behind him. Voight had taken down one of Lok’s men, but the other one was still standing. Jay turned around to punch him, but the blond guy from Voight’s team had already shot him in the leg, making him drop on the ground. His gun fell in front of Jay, he wouldn't let this chance pass him by.

He got the weapon and was turning to finally give Lok's what he deserved. 

Jay saw Voight running towards him at the same moment he felt Lok tackling him to the ground. His former boss had dropped him on his back, and Jay could feel the pebbles entering his skin, but it was the smallest of his problems as Lok started to use his face as a punching bag. Jay was fighting as hard as could to get rid of the man, gun on the ground, but it was no use. 

Lok’s hands wrapped around his neck, and breathing became impossible. The tightness of his neck was hell, he was punching Lok’s arms, kicking his legs in the air, but the man was looking at him with blood in his eyes, like a madman. 

Black spots danced around his vision, and he felt like his head was about to explode. 

The sarge was the one who freed him. Jay did not pay attention to what had happened after that as he was too busy gasping for air while he coughed. He rolled over to his side and saw Lok face down on the floor and Voight putting cuffs on the guy’s wrists. 

“Hey man, you good? You hurt?” the blonde guy approached him. Jay’s world came back into focus, and he could see the guy’s name was Ruzek by the kevlar. 

Jay was still coughing but nodded. He had worse. That was a fact.

Ruzek nodded. Antonio came from behind Ruzek and handled Jay a blanked. He hated the cold, that was a fact, so being in the cold, naked, afraid, and about to die was his living nightmare. He had never felt more exposed in his life, and not only that, he had been almost freezing all this time, but only now that the adrenaline was dropping, he had realized it.

"Thank you," Jay tried to say to Antonio, but it almost did not come out. 

“Ok, let’s put some clothes in you before you get hypothermia,” Ruzek said, and behind him, he could see Voight pushing Lok around and taking him out of the woods and into a big black car, Jay assumed it was the police. 

“The drugs?” Jay said through chattering teeth. 

“Oh, man… That was not good,” Ruzek said, and Jay stopped to look at him. 

“What do you mean it was not good?” Jay tried to say, but his throat was hurting too bad. 

“Millenium Park? Was just a distraction. The real thing happened at Burham Park, there was no one in there so they sold it freely. People were dropping like flies.`` 

Jay felt his heart racing. “So it was all for nothing?”

“What? No! We got the leader, and right now I don’t think he will ever leave jail again. We prevented the drugs from spreading around the city. I would say it was a good day.” 

Small victories every day, that was what people said to him in rehab. Lok was out of the streets, he was alive, he was fine, and above all, he was sober. 

Ruzek led him to the back of an ambulance the intelligence team had called for him. They had given him some Chicago PD’s clothes, a sweatshirt, and some pants, the cold was still bothering him, but it was better than nothing. Only when he sat down on the ambulance he realized how tired and sore he was. 

His left eyebrow had been cut open by Lok’s fists and the blood was now running down his face. His throat was killing him, to the point where he couldn’t swallow properly. His body was trembling. The paramedic gave him a blanket and asked him a few questions. His name, where he lived, and what year it was. He aced the questions. 

“We're gonna need to take you to med for a check-up,” the paramedic said.

“No,” he tried to say more than it, but his throat did not allow it. 

“Yes, you do,” She said in an annoyed voice, “It’s standard procedure.”

“But I’m fine-” He tried to complain when Erin came into his view.

“I would hear the specialist if I wore you,” She said with a grin. 

“I… I don’t need it, my brother will kill me,” He slowly joked with her and she smiled. 

“I’m glad you’re okay,” she said and sounded more serious. 

“I’m glad you came on time.” 

She nodded and was about to turn and leave when Jay decided to call her back. His shout sounded like a whisper, but it was enough to call her attention. When she came back, he tried to speak, but nothing came. 

“Hold on,” she said, pushing a Notepadfrom her vest. “Write.” 

“ _I usually do it before the person sees me naked, but would you like to get some coffee with me someday?_ ” He wrote and returned the Notepad to her. 

His heart was pounding as she tilted her head a little and smiled while reading it. “A coffee?”

He asked for the Notepad back. 

_ “I can’t really drink. The whole addicted thing, you know.”  _

“Yeah, I would like to,” she smiled at him. “Next week sounds good?” 

_“Perfect,_ ” Jay couldn’t help but smile. He hoped he wasn’t blushing as he watched her walk away. 

The paramedic came back and asked him if he was ready to go to Med, and the answer was no. He wondered then why she asked since she just smiled at his answer, and then loaded him in the ambulance despite his protests. Before the ambulance’s door closed, he watched as Voight walked in and sat beside him. 

“I’m fine,” Jay tried to say before the man did not let him even open his mouth. The stare he received from the sergeant was enough to shut him up. 

“You are a doctor now? I didn’t know,” Voight answered, and Jay raised his eyebrows. “Be honest, how are you holding up? What you did today was not easy.” 

Jay let out a huge breath he did not know he was holding and looked at the ceiling for a while. He put his thumbs up and did his best to smile. There were so many things he wished he could say. He was proud of himself, he felt accomplished for the first time in his life, this was a new kind of high he had been looking for. This was good. 

“That’s good, Jay. We couldn’t have arrested Sebastian or Lok, as you call him, without you. You would make a hell of a cop,” Voight stated and Jay thought about it for a moment but did not give him any answer. Maybe this was it. 

“I called your brother letting him know you would be coming in,” Voight said, and something in Jay’s face gave away all the horror he felt. He didn’t want to face Will and his worry right now, he just wanted to go to his bed and sleep for a week. “Better than him finding out as you arrived.” 

Jay threw his head back and closed his eyes, feeling his throat complain from the sudden movement. 

The ambulance stopped and he got ready to walk out of the ambulance but the paramedic stopped him as he rolled his eyes at her. The door didn’t even open completely and he could already hear Will’s voice on the outside.

“Jay! Jay! Are you okay?” Will said exasperated, looking at him up and down and coming closer to the stretcher. 

“F’ne-” 

“What happened to your neck?” Will said horrified, looking at Voight for some explanation. 

“Will-” Jay tried but was interrupted by Will. 

“Don’t talk, you can damage your vocal cords,” 

“Will, Jay was a great help today. We couldn’t have gotten the responsible for the mass overdose without him,” Voight explained. 

Jay felt himself being wheeled through the hospital’s doors and this was the first time he did this path consciously. Another win for me, he thought to himself. Will was right by his side, a worried expression on his face as he put some gloves on and heard as the paramedics said his SATs. 

Another doctor, an Asian guy Jay had never met came closer to Will and they all walked into the bay with him. 

“Hi, Jay, I’m doctor Choi and I’ll exam you, okay?” The man introduced himself. 

In a few seconds, a lot of wires were put in his chest as Will ordered an EQG, Choi touched his neck and Jay hissed in pain, maybe his throat was damaged after all. Will started to check on him for a concussion and Jay had a small smile as he realized his brother did not ask for anything toxicological. 

“Jay, did you lose consciousness at any time?” Choi asked him. 

Honestly, it was all a blur, but he did not remember how Lok was taken out of him. He does remember his body begging for air and nothing coming. The tightness on his chest, the pain. So he looked at Will’s friend and nod his head. 

“What happened to your clothes?” Will asked. 

Jay dismissed him with hands as he found speaking too difficult, so his brother looked at Voight. 

“Jay needed to go undercover to-”

“What?” Will yelled. “You’re not a cop!” 

Jay could not speak, so he raised his eyebrows and hoped his facial expression let Will know that he had told Voight the same thing. 

“Will, he is fine,” Voight said. 

“Are you a doctor?”

Jay widened his eyes at the tone Will was talking to Hank Voight. In all his life, years knowing Hank, he would never dare to speak to the man like this. Will was a whole new kind of mad. He was honestly pissed off at the sergeant as Jay had only seen once - when he tried to steal drugs from the hospital. The kind of mad that makes you say hurtful things you regret later. 

Even Voight looked surprised at that. It was clear to Jay that the sergeant was doing his best to hold back and not answer Will in the same tone. Jay had seen first hand what Voight was capable of doing to someone and he didn’t wish that to his short-tempered brother.

“No, I am no doctor. But I’ve seen many of my men with injuries worse than Jay have and they were all fine,” Voight answered. “My team was able to stop the attack before Jay could get seriously hurt.” 

“He was strangled and his throat is so swollen that he could be facing bleeding in it, his larynx could be fractured right now. Just like his lungs could be in distress. Not to mention the risks to his brain-” 

A machine blipped beside Jay and took Will out of his rage fit. Jay was trying his best to remain calm in the situation, but Will was starting to freak him out listing all the things that he could’ve died from, was not helping. Today could probably have been the last day of his life and he had accepted it. He just stood in there, naked, cold, vulnerable. He thought about using cocaine again while in there, he still needed it, he would never be safe from himself. 

The smell of the trees came back to him, the fear of dying alone way too present. The gunshot repeating its sound on his brain. Did he fight so hard to die like this? That couldn’t be right. He thought he was free from everything-

“Calm down. Hey, calm down. I’m sorry. You are okay, calm down,” he could hear Will speaking to him now. Then, he could feel Will’s hands on both of his shoulders, grounding him. It took him a while for the world to come back into focus, but it eventually did. 

He could see Will’s worried eyes in front of him, his raspy breath too close to his face. Behind him, Jay could see Voight with a serious expression and arms crossed. 

“Are you better now?” Will asked calmly. 

Jay tried to nod but his throat was hurting more than before, so even that was difficult. Will looked as guilty as he ever did. Just like he did all when they first met each other again. 

“I’m gonna give you something to the pain and help you rest,” Will said, and he must've sensed Jay’s worried expression. He did not want opioids, they were too risky for him and Will knew that. “Don’t worry. It’s not morphine, just an Advil, you can have those.” 

Jay raised his thumbs so Will would not it was okay, then. He trusted his brother. Someone that would put up a fight with Hank Voight for his well-being was not going to hurt him. 

“I’m gonna get you a whiteboard as well, so you can communicate better,” Will completely. 

Jay did not know if it was the medicines or the exhaustion catching up to him, but he felt his eyelids heavy and decided to fall asleep. 

When he woke up, the ED was way less crowded, there was no Hank Voight in his room, only Will sitting on a chair next to his bed and watching something on his cell phone with his earphones on. Jay tried to think about how many hours he had slept, but it could not have been much. 

Will realized he had woken up and took off his phone and paused whatever he was watching. 

“How are you feeling?” 

His throat was killing him, so Will handed him over a whiteboard. 

_ Can’t swallow right.  _

“No headaches? Dizziness or difficulty of breathing?” 

_No to all the above_. 

“Okay. Your exams came back and everything is looking good. No internal damage, nor longing last effects. You will be discharged in the morning and your throat should be back to normal in a few days,” Will was using his doctor's voice, which meant he was putting up his walls between them. 

_ Are you okay?  _

The question took Will by surprise and Jay could see it. 

“I am. I’m relieved,” Will sounded like he wanted to say something more, but was holding himself back. 

_I can take it_. After Jay finished writing he looked at it for a moment, he could take it. Whatever it was. 

“You don’t need to.” 

Before Will could even finish talking Jay was angrily erasing the previous message and just wrote WILL all in caps with three exclamation points. 

“You’re annoying even when you can’t speak,” Will smirked. It took Will a moment, he put himself forwards, put his elbow on his knees, and looked at the floor. “Today, I have seen more overdose patients than I have seen in my entire life. People kept coming, there was no more space for ambulances to park, let alone rooms in the ED. Young people, younger than you. A mother with a child on her lap. A boy your age. And I ... Jay, I'm sorry, but I was waiting for you to arrive. I kept looking at all of them and wondering if you were in there too.” 

Jay looked at the whiteboard and tried to put into words what he was feeling. He knew that Will did not trust him, their relationship was too young, too fragile for that. 

“And then,” Will continued, “then my mind made me think you were dead. Don’t ask, just… I thought I had lost you forever. Jay, I can’t live in a world without you. For a minute or two, I lived in a world without you and… It was unbearable. Voight then called me and told me you were with him and coming to med and nothing made sense anymore. But you were fine, so that was enough.” 

_I’m sorry for worrying you_. Was the only thing Jay could say. He thought Will would understand what he had done, and maybe he did, but never in his wildest dreams he would’ve thought that Will would be this worried about him this way. And Jay could see he meant it. 

Will was worn off, exhausted, and just sad. 

“I know you are,” Will chuckled. “I’m sorry for freaking out. You’re fine, completely fine other than your throat and a mild concussion. I just… Lost control.” 

Jay needed another minute to write something down again. _It’s okay_.

He wrote and showed Will who smiled a little bit. 

“Voight told me what you did today. Not all the details, I supposed, but he told me most of it,” Will paused, got up from the chair he was sitting and came closer to Jay, looking into his eyes. “I’m so proud of you.”

The words hit Jay like a shotgun shot right through his heart. Never in a million years, he expected to hear these words directed at him in such an honest way. Now, he could feel his brother meant it, he wasn’t just saying it for the sake of it. 

Jay tried to nod and flinched when the throat pain did not allow it. 

“Take it easy,” Will said. 

_Thank you._ Jay wrote on the board and showed it to Will. 

Will held his hand for a while and it was clear they both were trying to decide where they would go from there. 

Jay grabbed the board one more time, erased the thank you, and saw Will’s eyes turning to it. The message Jay wrote was simple, his handwriting was terrible and he could see Will’s expression twisting while the letters were forming words. 

I want to become a Chicago Police Officer. 

He showed it to Will and he could see the engines on his brother’s brain working. There was a twist of a lot of things in there, Jay could see he was worried, but there was a hint of happiness in his eyes. Jay liked to see all those things in Will. 

“And how can I help you?” 


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, I honestly have no words to thank you for all the support and commitment that this story has had. Writing is my escape, I usually do it before I go to sleep after a stressful day and knowing that you liked something I did ... leaves me speechless.  
> It took me a while to write this chapter because I wanted something cute, I don't know if I made it.  
> For now, thank you very much for everything. See you next time!

The room was deadly silent as Jay got his hand up and decided to speak. He felt all the eyes on him, he looked at Antonio who nodded for him to go. He could do it. 

“Hi, my name is Jay,” he said in a small voice. Not knowing if he wanted people to know his name, but he swallowed all his doubts and insecurities and decided to go forward. 

“Hi Jay,” the room said in a chorus, sending shivers down his spine.

“Hum… I'm addicted and for a long time, I used a lot of drugs, all the kinds that you can imagine. The main one was cocaine but after a while, it didn’t work anymore, or at least it didn’t have the same effect that I hoped for, so I went for the harder stuff. I liked the rush, the escapism of it all. Hum… I think I must have started my storytelling with you guys on why I did it, but… I was running from my brother and my dad. I wanted to forget them,” Jay stopped for a moment, knowing his thoughts were all over the place. So he took a deep breath and started again. “For a lot of time, I was running from my brother. But I wasn’t really running from him, I was running from my family, running because I was too afraid to open myself up and get hurt. Running from all the hurt that I could feel again. But my brother didn’t let me.

My brother, Will, ran behind me and supported me, even when I didn’t want to and I think that I was the main thing. He’s stubborn and never takes no for an answer so he pushed me into getting better. But never too much. Just enough,” Jay completed. “It’s not easy. It has been a while and I still want to use it in my darkest days, but I think I can do it. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.” 

Jay stopped. He felt like he had said too much already, these people didn’t need to know all the details but he felt like he said enough. Soon, people started to clap, one by one. A shy smile formed on his face, against his will. 

When he sat down on his chair, Antonio put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it a little. 

“You did great man,” Antonio said. 

“I… I wanted to say more but I don’t how,” Jay explained. “It was a mess.” 

“It was excellent. I’m really proud of you,” Antonio smiled and their attention went back to a young woman who was starting to tell her story. 

When the meeting was over, Jay and Antonio walked out of the room fast, walking side by side. 

“See you soon?” Antônio asked. 

Jay nodded. 

Will’s car was already in the parking lot when Jay walked out. Unlike the beginning, this time Will was waiting for him because he didn’t want them to be late. His brother was a nervous wreck ever since last night and Jay couldn’t help but think it was funny. 

“Hey. I got your clothes from the laundromat, they are ironed already, so please take care of it,” Will said before Jay even sat down on the shotgun seat of his car. “Are you sure you don’t want to cut your hair?” 

Will looked at him so judgmental that Jay couldn’t help but feel unsure about his looks. He looked so much better than he did when he met Will, his skin had color in it and didn’t look like it had cracks in it anymore. He had pulled some weight and now he looked muscular instead of a walking skeleton. 

“I’m gonna wear a cap. You know that, right?” Jay said without blinking. 

“You know that you’ll have to take it off at least once right?” Will answered in the same tone. 

“But my hair looks good. You’re projecting.” 

“I am not- You know what? Fine, when we look at the pictures 20 years from now and you say that your hair looked bad, I’ll say that I told you so.” 

“Now that’s something I believe.” 

Will drove off towards their places. A couple of months after Jay’s return, Will decided to rent a bigger place with two bedrooms and it was probably the best decision he ever had. Now, each one of them had a room where they could feel comfortable, that they could fill with whatever they wanted and call it theirs. Jay loved that he changed it whenever he wanted and Will loved to have a bed to sleep at night. 

They arrived and Jay took a shower. When he walked out of the bathroom, the Police Uniform he was going to wear to his graduation was already on display in front of him, taking his breath away. 

He stood by the doorway of his room, almost in shock with tears in his eyes and taking deep breaths trying to stop them from falling while staring at the light blue long sleeve men's blouse, the dark suit with golden buttons in it, the gloves, the cap. Everything strategically put in his bed by Will. 

“Did you at least shave?” His brother’s voice interrupted his thoughts. 

Will must have felt something had happened because he stopped for a moment and looked at Jay. He walked closer to his brother and saw what he was staring at and a smile formed on his face. 

“You’ll look good in it. Don’t worry,” he joked. 

“Will,” Jay turned around to look into his brother’s eyes. “Thank you.” 

Will could try and say that he didn’t do anything to deserve it, but he knows that it would be no use. Instead of fighting, he pulled Jay into a hug that was retributed. When they broke apart, Will wiped his eyes as fast as he could, just like Jay did. Both of them pretending they didn’t see the other crying. 

“Get dressed. Erin will be here at any minute. Natalie is coming as well and you know how she hates to be late,” Will said, trying to pull himself together. 

Jay nodded and closed his bedroom door, quickly putting on his uniform. By the time he was done, he couldn’t stop staring at the man looking back at him in the mirror. A strange only few months ago, now it was him. A new version of him. He remembered how a lifetime ago he had told Will he wanted to be himself again and his brother told him he could be better, maybe this is what he was talking about. 

“Will you look at yourself all day or we can get going?” Jay looked over his shoulders and saw Erin with a smirk on her face looking at him from the doorway. 

“I don’t know, I look really good, don’t I?” Jay turned around and opened his arms. 

She chuckled, came closer to him, and kissed him. “You do look really good.” 

Their date had gone incredibly well. Erin was someone Jay could talk to and it surprised him that she had as much baggage as he did, the only difference was that she found someone who cared about her sooner than he did. He had kissed her first after the third date and until this day he wondered what took him so long. Voight wasn’t the happiest person in the world about it, but Jay faced him more like a worried father than anything else. 

“Come on guys!” Natalie’s voice came from the living room. “We are gonna be late.” 

The four of them drove to the Police Academy Graduation in Will’s car. It held a place in a fancy auditorium downtown. Jay was trying to take in the beauty of the place, but Will kept repeating the list of things he should have with himself before going on stage. Erin laughed at his brother. 

A photographer came by and they all gathered together to take a picture. Jay in the center, Will by his side, like he always did. Jay didn’t like to have his picture taken, but today he tried not to mind it that much. Especially with Will following him like a crazy stalker and asking for him to pose every second. This was the happiest and carefree that he saw his brother in a long time and he was trying not to ruin his day. 

Soon, Hank Voight came into his view. Jay straightened up his clothes and shook hands with the man. 

“Halstead.” 

“Sergeant.” 

Voight looked at him for a while and Jay could feel that the man was holding himself back not to say something. 

“You're gonna be an excellent cop. When the time comes, be sure my unit has a spot for you,” Voight said and Jay felt relief coursing through him. He tried to hide his smile but it was useless. 

A lady wearing a black dress came by and asked Jay to follow her. He nodded to his friends and family and followed her. 

In a second he was standing in a line with other cops, on the second they were walking through a crowd of people to make it to the stage. He passed by Will, Natalie, Erin, Antonio, Ruzek, and Atwater. People he became friends with after his first undercover job, people he had drinks on a Friday night and watched hockey games with. People believed him and even loved him. 

When he passed by Will, his brother shouted his name and Jay wanted to punch him. Gladly, Natalie had slapped him on the arm. 

He sat on the reserved seats in front of the stage as the ceremony began. While the national anthem was playing, his mind wandered back to everything he had been through to get where he was today. The fights, the tears, the almost deaths. The people he met along the way, some to keep and others he hoped to never see again. He wondered where Mouse was. From everyone, Mouse was someone he considered his best friend and he hoped that someone he could help his friend like he was helped. 

A video of his class in the academy showed up. He was in it for only a second, a short clip of him on the shooting ring, time enough for him to hear Will yelling his name again. He held his head low in shame with a smile on his face. 

He got up and swore to protect this city with his hand raised. He adjusted himself and his eyes met Voight, who was sitting at the chair on the stage in front of him. 

Minutes later, he felt shivers running down his spine when he heard his name being called to the stage. With his best foot forward, he marched towards the stage and saw Voight waiting for him with his certification in his hands. Jay shook his hand one more time, grabbed the paper, and to his surprise, Voight pulled him closer and said “I’ve always known you were set up for greater things.” 

Jay was a little taken aback by that but decided to keep going like nothing had happened. 

The ceremony ended and Jay felt it was like a blur, he wondered if he should’ve enjoyed it more, but soon his thoughts were interrupted by Will hugging him, followed by Natalie, and then Erin kissed him again. Antonio, Ruzek, and Atwater hugged him as well, joking they wouldn’t kiss him. 

Will got him aside as the group planned where they were going to celebrate. 

“Jay, I know I could’ve been a better brother to you. I could’ve been a lot of things-”

“Will, honestly there is no need-”

“No,” his brother interrupted him. “I’ve rehearsed it, so shut up. I could’ve been better, I have a lot of things that I regret and skeletons in my closet but today… Bro, today I’m the happiest person on the planet. Seeing you there, all grown up and… I am happy for you. I know mom would be proud as well.” 

The mention of his mom surprised him. Will never spoke about their parents, Jay never knew what happened to their father after he went away and never asked, living in his ignorance was a blessing he didn’t want to be taken off. Their mom was a subject that was only brought up in fights, usually by Jay when he felt like hurting Will deeply. Never like this. 

“Thank you, man, for everything. I… I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.” 

They nodded at each other again, and Jay brought him into a hug. 

“Just try not to get shot or anything. I can’t handle the stress,” Will joked as they walked to meet their friends. 

“I don’t know man, I like seeing your worried face. It's fun.” 

“You’re sadic,” Will said, opening the car door. They walked inside and Natalie and Erin were already waiting for them. This was the happiest Will and Jay had ever felt in a long time. 

The butterflies on Jay's stomach turned to dust as Erin pulled him closer, tomorrow, he had a new day ahead, a future that was bright and full of uncertainties and surprises, but he would be okay. He would make the best out of it. 


End file.
